Going Around in Circles with OCD: Part 2
Part 1 to this story can be found here:
Looking back with the annoyingly crystal clear vision that hindsight gives us all, I now realize that my OCD morphed during high school, becoming more focused around mental obsessions and compulsions. It is hard to say if I would have qualified for DSM level OCD at this stage in my life, but nevertheless I still had the persistent anxiety and obsessive-compulsive cycles that came to a head this past summer.
I was always an anxious kid, and this may have made my parents not realize that what I was going through in high school was out of the ordinary. One of my earliest memories is being sick with a fever at the age of 4 or 5 and repeatedly asking my mom if I was going to die from it. School always stressed me out a lot too, even if I did always do well in it. Although the more intense obsessive cycles really only appeared 13–14 or so years ago, there are definitely some signs that existed before then.
Anyways, I only bring this up because not only did it obscure what was normal to my parents — it obscured what was normal from my own point of view as well. I was terribly insecure, even though I likely did not have much reason to be. I have been told I’m fairly attractive, and I can be charming and sociable when I want to be. This is what I am told at least, and always have been. The insecurities still exist, as you might notice, though to a lesser degree. Insecurities can be fertile ground for OCD, especially since they are so hard for anyone to stomp out.
In high school, my insecurities mainly revolved around my appearance, or eventually, about my relationships. One of the fears I had at an early age was that I would be alone forever. I made the connection that because I was unattractive, and for a long time socially awkward, that I would die alone. Now, come high school, I did start getting attention from girls. One in particular, who we will call Victoria, was one of the first who showed serious, sexual interest in me. Now this is a tired rant, and I do not want to bore you dear readers. Long story (thankfully) short, we had a complicated relationship which involved her cheating on me. I forgave her and we stayed together.
For most people, this a very hard thing to do, but it became my obsession. It was all I could think about. For months. And months. Days spent obsessing over it. Replaying the situation in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done different, how I could be enough for her. Hours and hours of asking her for reassurance, often ending in bitter arguments. It was unhealthy and self-destructive, to say the least. It all ended when we broke up, my mind free at last from the non-stop obsessions.
When I was first going to therapy for my OCD, I made this connection, and since thinking about it more, I think I understand it. I have a habit of allowing my self to create and eventually act out self-fulfilling prophecies. As soon as I get an idea in my head, i.e. that the only way out of the anxiety of that relationship with Victoria was by ending the relationship, it becomes true (at least in my mind). I think it has to do with a compulsive cycle, as a way to get rid of anxiety. It kind of seems like a type of magical thinking, as in every instance this has happened, generally with insecurities around relationships, I just become even more obsessed about what was bothering me, all the while telling myself that I have to end it or find reassurance, etc.
In hindsight, I was really trying to get rid of my anxiety more than anything. I regret that I have let anxiety control my decision making for so long, since I treated those feelings as legitimate. And this is not to say that none of my feelings are — it was ultimately best for me to leave that emotionally abusive relationship. But I am now aware of the fact that the thing I used to dread — the sinking feeling associated with the realization of some magical thing I must do to fix the way I feel, which in reality are usually just intrusive thoughts — is often just a part of my OCD.
For so long I have let myself be controlled by a feeling as irrational as anxiety, but I now know how to work with my anxiety instead of letting it control my life.
The obsessions around relationships were what characterized most of my OCD-related symptoms in high school. Once again, to divulge embarrassing details in the hope that others can relate, there were other compulsions I carried out for relief. Looking for reassurance, I once accessed Victoria’s phone when she was not in the room to see if she was cheating on me (she was). When I was in other relationships, I used to get anxious if a guy or girl I was talking to did not reply to me in a timely matter. I would check their social media feeds, even if they were liking pictures on Instagram at the time, to see if they were avoiding me. I became especially more obsessive after my relationship with Victoria, almost paranoid. Perhaps this was a normal response, but I do not think the degree to which I let it occur was anything normal.
Yeah. It sounds bad right? I now recognize these behaviors as compulsions, and very negative ones at that. I wanted any reassurance I could find. I did whatever I could to get it, even if it went against what I thought was right. It is what I have survived on for years. And in reality, I don’t know how much better it ever made me feel. In the long run it only damaged things for me, whether it be my self esteem or my actual, healthy relationships. Part of this was insecurity, but I can’t help but think that this is another one of the places where my obsessive-compulsive tendencies first reared their ugly head.
I also want to note I am not trying to pathologize everything in my life — a lot of these habits and behaviors have other reasons, including my own personal choices and the environment I grew up in. I am simply trying to put down on paper where I see the first signs of OCD in my past, so that I can hopefully work on those behaviors in the future and help others do the same.
Thank you again for reading. I am not sure how many parts I am planning to include in this series of mine. As new ideas come up I plan on publishing spin off of more nice issues that I have dealt with, or aspects of coping with OCD that I would like to explore. I hope that some of you readers can relate to this content, and I was overjoyed at the responses I received on my last piece. Please feel free to comment if you can or cannot relate to what I am writing about. I would love to hear feedback from you, and I hope that I help even just one person find some relief or find the strength to continue on and power through therapy.
-M.M.
