Growing Up in A Digital Age: Guidelines for Families
In my last article, I explored some of the risks and benefits associated with screen use for infants, toddlers, kids, and teens. In this article, I am offering guidelines to consider while setting digital boundaries with your family. I hope the guidelines serve as a launching point for many discussions on how to best support your family. Here are my recommendations:
Encourage ‘Unplugged’ Time
Screens can be hard for kids to put down. Why is this? The feel-good chemical dopamine is released every time a child moves to the next level, receives a like on Instagram, or views a text message. Once dopamine enters our body, we crave more of it. This can make the transition to a new activity challenging. Even so, finding a balance between plugged and unplugged time fosters healthy development and long term happiness.
The Peaks Foundation states,
“Kids don’t remember their best day of television”.
Kids tend to remember the spontaneous moments spent doing fun things with others. They also remember how the moments and people made them feel. They remember the unplugged moments more than the plugged-in moments. Also, spending time away from screens enhances imaginative play which stimulates innovation and creative problem-solving.
Unplugged time is most successful when parents are intentional about creating a space for it. One possible time to consider incorporating unplugged time is at dinner. Research has shown that family interactions at dinner increase children’s positive social skills. If dinner is not a good time for your family, maybe Saturday mornings are better. Find what works for you and your family.
If unplugged time is new for your family, your children might need creative ideas suggesting how to spend their time and they might need you to spend some time with them. In the beginning, kids might fight unplugged time. This is a normal reaction to change. Hang in there, and eventually, unplugged time will become a natural part of your family’s routine.
Does your family need some tips on how to spend unplugged time? OurPact, a parental control app, permitted me to share their list of 101 ideas.
For more information about OurPact, visit their website via this link.
Beware of What You Model
What are your digital habits like? What do you do when you are on your devices? Are you using screens around your kids? Do screens affect your relationship with your family? These are all questions to consider when exploring your technology use.
Children learn by example so be aware of the implicit message you are sending to your kids about technology. Consider the following example, Silvia is at lunch with her 13-year-old daughter Sam. Every few minutes Silvia reaches to check her phone for new notifications. Sam also checks her phone every few minutes. Siliva and Sam miss out on making a meaningful connection because their phones get in the way. Also, this sends an implicit message to Sam that “phones are more important than our time together”. It also teaches Sam that it is okay to continually check her phone while with others.
Recently, researchers have begun to investigate technology and the parent-child relationship. A 2017 study found that 48% of parents had at least 3 daily occurrences where technoference (prioritizing technology devices) impacted their family interactions, causing their kids to whine, feel frustrated, and have tantrums. There will be times when parents need to prioritize technology but when parents start to prioritize technology out of want and not need it can negatively impact their family relationships.
If you are unhappy with the impact of your technology use on your family, you have the power to change. Curbing technology use can be challenging. The best way to get started is to create a plan. When creating a plan ask yourself what you want to teach your children about technology use. Use your answer to guide your plan. Check-in with others to make sure you are sticking with your plan.
If you need some more ideas on how to change your technology use check out this article.
Focus on Quality
Not all screen time is equal. Do you remember the discussion of active versus passive screen time in my last article? Let’s explore their differences a little more.
Passive screen time occurs when children passively absorb information through mindless repetition. Some examples include scrolling through Facebook, watching videos on Tiktok, and binge-watching shows. Passive screen time does not require much thought, creativity, or interaction.
Active screen time involves cognitive and/or physical engagement such as making Tiktok videos, writing a GarageBand song, or drawing a digital picture. In these scenarios, children must engage in the activity.
Kids and adults engage in both types of screen time. Research indicates that kids over the age of 10 are more drawn to passive screen time while kids under the age of 10 are more drawn to active screen time.
Active screen time is more beneficial for developing brains. A recent study published in JAMA Pediatrics found that watching tv and playing passive video games negatively affected children’s academic performance. Pediatrician Dr. Jenny Radesky commented on the study and stated,
“Both TV and video games can have a social component — when you play or watch with someone else — and this can be a positive way that family members or peers engage with each other — especially if it is intellectually stimulating content or has positive social messages”
Educating your child on active and passive screen time and setting age-appropriate boundaries can help create a healthy balance of quality screen time.
Set Boundaries When Needed
When parents talk with me about screen use, they usually ask how much time is okay for their child to be using screens. Some therapists will provide a specific number. My views are a little different. Devorah Heitner, the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World, states that limiting screen time may have some short-term benefits but does not help children develop useful skills in the long run. I agree with Devorah and believe that being flexible with screen use will work for some kids. However, if screen use is getting in the way of your child’s healthy functioning, setting limits is important.
With many of my clients, the ultimate goal is to teach them how to balance real-life with their digital life. One way to do this is to create a list of things to complete before screen time can occur. The Happier Homemaker posted the following graphic about screen time rules.
This is aimed towards younger children and for the summer but could easily be modified for an older child and the entire year.
Engage Together
One way to enter your child’s digital world is by engaging with their media use via co-viewing. Co-viewing is a strategy that encourages engagement with your child’s media use. Research has found that co-viewing media is beneficial because it supports early literacy skills, boosts empathy, and helps manage aggression. Co-viewing also provides a social component that may help shield your child from any social-emotional risk.
Co-viewing requires active participation from parents. Parents will have different levels of engagement and this is okay. Research has indicated benefits for any level of engagement.
Do you need tips on how to maximize co-viewing benefits? Check out this article for some great suggestions.
Educate
Over my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have spent multiple sessions coaching kids on their digital life. From online bullying to citing sources in a paper, kids need instruction and guidance from trusted adults to navigate their digital experiences.
What do kids need to know about technology? All sorts of things. Check out this article with some different ideas on what to teach your child.
Keep in mind that, even with education, kids will make mistakes. This is expected. Do your best to react to them with compassion and guidance, all while setting appropriate boundaries.
Today’s parents face unique challenges and opportunities because of the ever-shifting digital landscape faced by their children. Responsibly using technology is a skill set that is more successful with parental mentorship. Being the parent, you get to decide what that mentorship looks like and what your family needs. There are no perfect solutions in setting digital boundaries. All you can do is use your mind and heart as guides and make adjustments along the way.
