Help! Parenting Survival Tools I Needed Before Treatment
I hate advice. But this isn’t advice. This is what I have I figured out over the last 4 + years of parenting my teenager through a complex mental health diagnosis. There is no right way to do this. But, sometimes, there are easier ways. I wish someone had told me even half of these things when my 15-year-old son was diagnosed with anorexia. I could have really used them as his diagnosis snowballed into a laundry list of issues including bi-polar and suicidality. I’m not sure I would have been in the right mindset to accept any of these hints when we began, but if I had, I would have made things much easier on myself and my family. My son is 20 now, we have moved on to different lessons, but I still keep all these in the back of my mind.
1. The hardest part of parenting a child with a mental health disorder is all of it.
2. The best treatment option for your child’s mental health disorder is whatever works. Finding it can be grueling and terrifying. Find a good doctor, do your research, and realize it will probably take several tries. Prioritize professional medical advice over a friend’s internet research, but look into anything reasonable.
3. You work best for your child when you take care of yourself. Find healthy strategies to cope with your new reality and do it quickly. I am most successful using the ABC PLEASE skills from DBT. But, do whatever works for you, it’s essential.
4. Do your best. Your best may look different depending on the day. It’s okay. Whatever your best is, is good enough. Sometimes you won’t be able to do your best. That’s okay too.
5. A child’s mental health disorder can tear a family in ways you could never imagine. It takes resilience, strength, and badger-like tenacity to keep it all together. And sometimes that won’t be enough. Keep trying.
6. You need support, find it now. It can be a friend or family member that understands, it can be a clergy person trained to support, it can be a psychologist, it can be an online group, it can be a physical meeting, or a virtual meeting. It can take any shape that works for you.
7. Mental illness is often accompanied by addiction. Addiction is a disease. It can be treated successfully and the patient can still relapse. Find healthy strategies to cope with the uncertainty of relapse. I write a blog to quell my anxiety, other’s use this or this.
8. You may feel alone even with your own family. You may feel most alone with your own family. It’s not you, it’s not them, it’s the situation. Find ways to stay connected even if you are not able to access support or guidance from your family and close friends.
9. When trauma happens in a family, it happens to everybody. If you have additional children in the house, they may feel alone and neglected. They will have trouble processing not only this disease, but also the changes in the family and the rollercoaster dynamics that come with managing an adolescent mental health disorder. Find them support, it’s okay if it’s not you. If they happen to be an adolescent, it is even more urgent. Validate their feelings, talk to them about what they need and how they are feeling, and get a professional to help them.
10. Your sick child and/or your healthy child may judge you and your actions unfavorably. You will be hurt by their impression of what is going on in the family. Get over it. Everyone processes trauma their own way. It’s not personal, it’s a starting point for healing.
11. Remember to have fun. Yes, it is still possible, but you have to be more intentional. Find things that everyone in the family enjoys. Try to do them at least weekly. Find ways for your children to have fun together: movies, coffee, bowling, a walk in the woods — whatever works for them. Find ways for you and your partner to have fun together. This is essential to maintain your energy during this long-term process.
12. Watching otters, uplifting dog conversations, and cute pics, can go a long way toward improving your mood. If you need an urgent influx of live otter cuteness click here to see where you can go see some live otters in your area now.
13. When you think can’t do it anymore, you will get up and do it some more. You will. Remember, even when you say you can’t do it, you are already doing it.
