Honoring Our Beautiful and Excruciating Humanness
I’m a mess of emotions, and I would imagine you are, too
I have so many feelings these days.
Between the noise of the election (very real here in Michigan), another winter season of COVID19 setting in (again, very real here in Michigan), the unrelenting violence of racism in the US, and a recent unexpected break-up, I have been riding the most intense waves of emotion that feel so unbearable at times I find myself looking forward to just being asleep so I can be in a neutral state for some hours (Do you feel this way, too? It’s called depression. Please seek some help).
It reminds me of how I felt last spring. In late March — the beginning of our isolated pandemic lives — I wrote an article titled “Acknowledging and Surviving the Trauma of COVID19 Together,” in which I challenged readers to mindfully and intentionally take care of themselves and others in the midst of what we were experiencing: collective trauma.
Then summer came. I started a new relationship and could live my life with others outside. The late spring, summer, and early fall months allowed me a (relative) reprieve from the daily need to tend to trauma and heightened emotions. I no longer felt isolated. I was able to connect with others in meaningful ways. The days were long and warm. I felt manageable.
But today it’s cold, our national discourse is toxic, I am suddenly single, and I need to work hard to ensure I safely connect with people. This sometimes feels like an impossible task, given that acting in our best social and emotional interest feels at odds with acting in the best interest of public health.
It is frustrating. It is hard. It is exhausting. It is psychologically draining. It brings me to tears. It is proof of my beautiful and excruciating humanness, which warrants great tenderness and care in the midst of trauma.
As I stare into the days and months ahead, wrapped in a blanket with tear-stained cheeks, I must own that now is the time to accept and honor my humanness.
Now is the time to sit with, identify, and honor all of the feelings of loss, grief, anguish, and stress that come with this season. Trauma brings being triggered, being triggered causes emotions that feel uncontrollable, and seemingly uncontrollable emotions present us with a choice: the choice to react, to push through or stuff down, or to accept and honor.
As hard as it is, I’ve decided I must choose to honor my emotions — for the sake of both myself and others.
If we are to honor our humanness well in this season, we must “apply gentle kindness” (as my therapist says) to all the feelings and experiences that emerge in us. We must tend to them with curiosity rather than judgment (eliminate “I should/n’t be/feel/need…” from your vocabulary), and acceptance rather than reactiveness that could cause harm to self or others.
This week I applied gentle kindness to all that my humanness required — I squeezed my nieces tightly when I needed embrace, I wept to my family members when I felt overwhelmed by isolation, I laughed heartily with a friend when I needed companionship, I cried before God too overwhelmed to articulate what was happening within me.
I’m a mess of emotions, and I would imagine you are, too. In the face of your own beautiful and excruciating humanness, please join me in honoring all the feelings that trauma unearths in you in this ongoing season and in the challenging months ahead.
