How Quitting Social Media helped me Climb the Pyramid of Self-awareness
And unearth some mysterious findings.
What would happen if you realized that everything you know about yourself, all the information stored in your brain, had been infiltrated? You don’t know what is real anymore. Would you try to take back control?
Three years ago, during a candid conversation, a colleague shared this rather strange remark with me, “I am jealous of your life, on social media.’’ This comment stuck with me for days. I kept wondering, why did she choose to add the phrase on social media?
At this point, I had known this person for a little over a year. We were a part of a small team of an early-stage startup, and spent six days a week, for an average of nine hours a day, huddled together. She was also roughly aware of what I do in my free time, as we conversed about the same, intermittently.
The most probable answer to my question was, she didn’t say that she is jealous of my life, because our lives were not that different from each other. She felt the need to add — on social media.
The strange choice of words was a direct result of the difference between my real life and my portrayal of it on social media platforms. Over the years, I have come to realize that my profiles were like a highlight reel: presenting a very selective depiction of my life, and frequently omitting various other things.
For example, they did not feature my experiences of disappointment over not having a plan for the weekend, being frustrated about what I was wearing, getting stuck in traffic, being late, waiting for a table, feeling hangry, dodging a crowd and being disappointed with the ambiance of the restaurant.
What it did feature was a gorgeous plate of food, a picture clicked from the right angle, edited adequately, with an interesting caption.
This realization was an eye-opener for me. In the past, I had always prided myself on being authentic on social media. In fact, I had created a list of rules for myself to ensure the same. For example, I would only post a photo of a plate of food, if I liked it, and I would do so after reaching home, giving myself the time and space to fully enjoy the gastronomical experience.
For the longest time, I believed that the rest, such as taking aesthetically pleasing photographs, strategically avoiding other tourists in travel photos or basic editing, were part of the process, and was never going to cause any real harm. Little did I know that the person I was harming the most and, to a dangerous extent, might I add, was myself.
“You didn’t realize what was passing you by until you slowed down a little bit to get a better look.” ― Karin Slaughter
The before:
Let me offer some context and share the contents of my life, from the period, before I fully comprehended this realization.
I was on a lengthy career break, trying to figure out what to do next and differently, in my professional life. Although it was a much-needed break, I was having a tough time with it, as the process of actually figuring things out was significantly more onerous than I had imagined. To be candid, I was stuck with my thoughts and walking around in circles.
During this period, I was financially constrained and had to spend most of my time at home. I also had more free time than before, which inadvertently led to higher social media usage. In the past, I had never considered this to be a problem. I used to believe that I had complete control over this activity, but this time, my experience was different.
When my life was not going anywhere, I really did not feel like seeing X’s Monday motivation post, Y’s vacation pictures, and Z’s shopping haul. In comparison, my accounts were almost empty, as I did not have much content to post.
Now, spending time on social media was creating instantaneous as well as lasting effects on my mood and mental well being. I could go from feeling neutral to awful in 60 seconds. At first, this predicament made me angry, and then it made me sad.
I wish I had a better start to my story, where one beautiful morning, I would wake up with the realization that my social media usage was harmful for me. However, my start was born from extreme frustration.
The first thing I tried was rather simple. What I saw on social media was bothering me; let’s reduce its usage. I tried to do so by installing an app that tracked my screen time, hoping that it would shame me into doing so. I also read many articles and tested a couple of ideas, but alas, none of them had a lasting result. To search for a permanent solution, I started to acutely observe myself and look for patterns that were causing this storm of negativity.
“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — Carl Jung
Taking the plunge:
Earlier, I used to post regularly, i.e., two to three times a week, on my social media accounts (Facebook and Instagram). Upon posting, I would always check my phone for likes and comments. I also took steps to enhance this experience for me, such as making my profile public, researching about the optimal time to post, and ideating exciting content ideas.
I realized that even before this juncture, I used to spend a significant amount of time browsing through my feed. I made many excuses for myself, such as I am just passing the time, I am looking for inspiration, I am learning about new things and so on.
While randomly, and sometimes compulsively scrolling through others’ posts, I found myself reacting in either one of the following ways:
- Looking at a beautiful post and feeling miserable. I would start spiraling about how my page was not as aesthetically pleasing, my lack of skills to click a good photo, inability to think of exciting captions, and so on, generally leading to the conclusion that I have a below-average/less than interesting life.
- Passing judgemental comments (in my own head) at other people’s content, which I did not deem to be post-worthy.
Both of these were negative experiences for me and often led to a build-up of unresolved emotions. If I was trying to be a social media influencer or if this was a valuable skill set that I needed to advance, I would try to fight the negativity and continue this process. But that was not the case for me. Social media was actually something I chose to engage in, to pass the time, entertain myself, learn about new things, and document moments of my life.
The irrefutable truth that I wasn’t willing to see until now was that if I evaluated the sum total of my experiences, the result was the opposite of what I had in mind. Upon further contemplation, I internalized these two crucial realizations:
- My usage of social media was negatively affecting my mental health.
- The content I viewed had a high level of influence/hold over me.
At this point in my life, when I had other serious problems to solve, I decided that I did not want to deal with this additional grief. Thus, I temporarily disabled my account on Facebook and Instagram, starting an indefinite hiatus from social media.
Stranger findings:
The first few days were peaceful. I felt a lasting sense of calm and relief. I actively chose to not spend any time worrying about the absence of social media from my life, and it’s supposed consequences. I let myself enjoy this newfound freedom and occupied myself with constructive hobbies and activities. I started viewing this time as a much needed cleanse/detox.
“You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”― Michelle Obama
I spent the next couple of weeks deeply involved in my thoughts and analyzed my past self, also comparing it with my present state of mind. I happened to stumble upon some strange findings.
For example, I finally resolved the mystery of my persistent dissatisfaction with Friday nights. As it turns out, I detested going out. I like staying in with my partner, eating good food and binging Netflix. I would have never considered this to be a worthy option before.
My prior self would shout Friyay, on top of her voice, and compulsively plan drinks/parties/other happening situations. And when this was not possible, I would choose to spend my time feeling sad for myself for not having a plan.
Why was this the case? Shouldn’t it be natural for me to want to rest at the end of a long week? For some reason, it was ingrained in my mind that Friday nights are for partying. I must do something fun, something post-worthy. So much was my desire to have a happening life that I had convinced myself to do the exact opposite of what I wanted.
How could this happen? Well, if I had to create a formula, it would go something like this:
(Years of conditioning by popular media and social media + desire to be happy in the conventional sense) — (Self-awareness) = Absurd behavior
In all these years of hedonistic pursuit, I hadn’t paused to think, what (minus all the noise), would truly make me happy. Until this point, I would have estimated my hiatus to last for about one to three months, and that my recovery would be complete in this duration. But, now I could sense that this was just the beginning, and bigger things were coming my way.
My Social needs were still satisfied.
During this time, I met my few real friends in the old fashioned way. I heard their stories and shared mine. When I learned about what they had bought recently, or their vacation plans, to my utter surprise, I wasn’t jealous of them. I was okay; in fact, I was able to genuinely feel happy for them.
On some occasions, I was positively influenced by them. On others, I was able to ascertain if something wasn’t for me and keep up with my resolve of not letting anything/anyone influence me against my will.
What brought about this change? The difference in my consumption of information. I went from consuming several hours of data daily, about thousands of people, whom I didn’t care about, to consuming a few hours of data about people who I did care about, on a weekly to monthly basis.
This new scenario did not make me sad or angry. I spent the rest of my valuable time wondering about what I wanted to do and then pursued those thoughts/ideas.
It was not as challenging as I thought it would be.
Unlike most things in my life, I found this process to be uncomplicated. Of course, there were some challenges, but I was able to deal with them swiftly. What worked for me was making resolutions for myself and sticking with them.
Coming up with the resolutions took some time, thought, and effort but following it was like undertaking a regimen, I just needed to remind myself of them and follow-through, every day.
For example, one of the first resolutions that I took was resisting the urge to show off my life. Three months after leaving social media, I went on an insta-worthy international trip. I recall my sister asking me, “do you plan to come back on social media for this trip?” My answer was no.
I reaffirmed myself that I was going to be strong, I am going to enjoy my trip as is, and document it for myself, not for posting pictures. I would resist the urge to feel happy by acquiring a high number of likes, or wish I could be there comments.
This trip wasn’t any different from the others, and I didn’t feel like I missed out on anything. In fact, this was one of my most memorable travel experiences.
An uptick in my mood could be achieved very easily.
A couple of days ago, I was experiencing a midday slump. My workday seemed monotonous and devoid of anything exciting that I could look forward to. Then, Give Me Everything (by Pitbull) came up on my playlist, and I started vibing with it in my living room.
A few minutes of dancing to this song changed how I was feeling. I was suddenly happier, filled with energy, able to give myself a few positive affirmations, and get back to work with renewed enthusiasm.
Such an experience was novel to me. Earlier, I was constantly bombarded with information, which depicted being happy as a complex construct, something that could only be attained with a high amount of effort or money, and I bought it. I had never focused on doing my own thing.
Even if I tried to do so, my day could never compare with others. I always felt that other people have it better, some are working and enjoying the hustle, others are partying and living their best lives, and here I was struggling to work with no other plan in sight.
Now, when I didn’t have any points of comparison, my day seemed okay. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad or lacking in something either. With time I got used to it, and soon this became my new normal. As it turns out, I didn’t need to have a very fulfilling workday, go out for a party, think about an upcoming trip, or shop, to feel good. A simple song could do the trick, just as easily.
The After:
I observed several constructive changes in myself over the next year.
For example, I felt content after putting up my tree and decorating my home for Christmas. In contrast to the past, this time, the positive feelings lasted, as I did not have access to spot a better one on Instagram. The decorations made my home look really pretty, and I didn’t feel like going back to my prior setup, which was less merry. I also procrastinated taking them down as I was still tired from the effort of putting everything together. I pushed this off till mid-January.
I happened to visit a close friend who had similarly decorated her house and also hadn’t taken things down due to the same reason. I told her that “knowing that you are in the same boat as me, makes me happy.” I had found the right reference point.
Not having a good weekend, bothered me significantly less than before. Not getting to travel for a while, still made me feel blue, but not so unhappy and anxious that I had to plan a vacation right away. The gallery of my phone wasn’t as full as before, but it was filled with real moments of joy, pictures that I had taken, purely out of my own interest.
One of my favorite activities of that year was a four-day long weekend, filled with themed drinks, scrumptious food, and a lengthy lineup of Netflix shows; time spent at my home, with my partner. I found out that if I did not have to tell/show anyone how I spent a long weekend, this is what I would wind up doing.
I had fun, made memories, and felt satisfied with my creativity, planning, and execution. I had great pictures too. I was happy, just like that, I didn’t even have to try. Trust me, my prior (party animal) self was amazed.
“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
I have always known that many of my likes and interests were conflicting. I liked staying at home and being comfortable, but I also craved going out and living it up. I disliked crowds but also liked being surrounded by people. I liked being with myself, but I also constantly desired to be an active member of my social group.
Now, I began to understand the extent to which some of these likes and dislikes were not my own. They were twisted. It appeared complicated because years of conditioning and happiness chasing behavior were all wound up together in a knot, and I had concluded that I was a complex person.
Turns out, I was far less complicated than I thought I was. Without social pressure, rules, limitations, and expectations that I had set for myself, things were natural and straightforward.
I was able to free up a lot of time. I used most of it to question myself, analyze my thoughts, behavior, and actions, especially before and after participating in an activity. I repeated this process until I was able to see things clearly, and the results always astounded me pleasantly.
I cannot emphasize this enough, how immensely freeing it was, to not be burdened by planning special outings, taking and retaking instagrammable pictures, spending hours browsing through my feed, and feeling bad about my perfectly okay life.
“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”
― Lana Del Rey
I took this hiatus, now going to be termed as a life-altering decision, in April 2018, and it’s still going on.
This resolution transformed my life in two ways:
- It removed a great deal of misery from my mind.
- It revealed the alarmingly low amount of self-awareness I had.
This series of surprising realizations urged me to do something about it, this was too large a problem to ignore. I continued on this journey of self-discovery, with commitment, enthusiasm, and fearlessness, taking it one step at a time.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”― Aristotle
I cannot recommend such a lengthy break to you. I also do not recommend leaving social media permanently. In fact, I don’t blame social media for my problems; instead, I consider the culprit to be my usage and interpretation of it. I actually plan to return to it at some point, probably for my work.
What I do recommend is taking shorter breaks, a complete digital detox. During this period, analyze your behavior, check-in with yourself, understand how you feel, repeatedly. Just try one, a 15-day detox. What’re 15 days, right?
During this break, push yourself to think clearly, profoundly, and document your thoughts. Ask yourself:
- How much time do you spend every day on social media? Is it worth it?
- If you didn’t know about the popular activities of the moment, what would you want to do with your time?
- Were you planning to go to place X because you really wanted to, or to take good pictures?
- Would you buy that shirt if its advertisement wasn’t shown to you repeatedly?
- Would you dislike your vacation pictures if you had not seen thousands of perfectly edited ones?
If this hiatus does not work out for you, and it’s proven that your social media usage is helpful for you, in that case, you can rest for the remaining days and carry on with your life.
But, if by any chance, you belong to my category, I think that you would find this period to be unraveling, revealing, and inspiring. You will be able to tune into yourself and think clearly, minus the noise.
You may be able to rediscover who you are, who you would be if no one was watching.
In my opinion, it’s one of the best experiences in the world. This process helped me detangle my personality, understand my thoughts and motivations, and find my own definition of happiness and contentment.
