How to Explain Chronic Depression to Those Who Don’t Have It
An insight into the dark world of depression.
Do you remember playing in the ocean as a kid? You’re having the time of your life, splashing through the water, jumping over the waves, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant wave catches you by surprise, crashing over the top of your head, plummeting you to the ocean floor. Those few moments where the waves are holding you hostage, leaving you panicking, struggling to get your head above water to catch a breath- that’s what depression feels like. Except when you’re in the water, you finally gain control and come back up, catch your breath with a sigh of relief, and continue playing. Depression doesn’t give you that moment of relief. Depression continues to hold you hostage in its depths of despair.
Depression is feeling everything bad that’s ever happened to you and thinking about everything bad that ever could happen to you.
It’s feeling trapped in your own mind, with your inner voice screaming at you, telling you that you’ll never add up to anything, that you’re a bad mother, father, sister, friend, daughter, son, etc. It’s a voice telling you that no matter what you do or how hard you try; nothing will ever get better. And sometimes it’s even telling you that you would be better off dead.
It feels like a snake wrapping its scaly body around your chest constricting tighter and tighter with every waking moment, while you beg and plead for some relief from the demons that are your thoughts, only to realize there is no relief and it doesn’t feel like there ever will be.
Depression is knowing there are things you could do to try to make yourself feel better, but still believing there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
When I am in a state of hard depression, it’s like I can’t seem to remember a single time where I ever felt happy, even though in my logical mind, I know that’s not true.
With depression, you are fighting a constant battle within your mind that mentally AND physically exhausts you beyond comprehension. Simple tasks such as doing laundry, cleaning, showering, or even brushing your teeth become too overwhelming to even think about doing. So, we let these things pile up and add to the depression.
Even just being around friends or family for a short period of time feels like an incapable task sometimes. The thought of having to hold a conversation with someone or force a fake smile for a few minutes is dreadful.
Depression is wanting to be alone but then feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness all at the same time. It is when you isolate yourself from all your loved ones but then yearn for someone to come along and make you feel okay.
It’s like a hole where your heart should be and a constant sinking feeling in your gut. It sucks your soul right out of you. It blackens your memories and feelings towards life, and leaves you alone in your bathtub, head in your hands, silently crying and begging for some peace.
We feel an immense amount of guilt. Guilt for being unhappy no matter how hard we try not to be. Guilt for only being a shell of ourselves through these episodes, unable to truly connect with anyone. Guilt for isolating ourselves and pushing you away. But in all honesty, our depression distorts our thinking into believing that we are a burden to everyone, and we don’t want to drag you down with us. So, we just shut ourselves off.
Depression doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you have a seemingly perfect life. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain that won’t allow you to “just be happy”, which is why it is so tiring and frustrating when people say things such as, “You have a great life. You should feel so blessed. Just snap out of it and be happy.” We know all of these things, but we physically cannot just “snap out of it.”
We know that it is frustrating from the outside looking in, but nobody chooses to be in a state of depression. Nobody wants to watch their life go by without them while they lay on a tear stained pillow unable to get out of bed for no apparent reason. Please, be gentle with us. We are doing the best we can.
