How To Lose Weight and Stop People Pleasing — Simultaneously

Like many women, I struggled with my weight for years. It’s an on-going back and forth of dieting and bingeing, working out or working late, drinking or not drinking. It began in middle school and carried its way into my late 20’s. My poor relationships with food, self-image and exercise were like the mean girls at school: They never made you feel good but for some godforsaken reason, you couldn’t get enough of them.

I had no major “ah-ha!” moment or a certain photograph of myself that sent me over the edge. I carried the mean girl triad of relationships with me everywhere I went and it became baggage that inevitably translated to literal baggage on my waist. I self-sabotaged over and over again, perpetuating a tiring cycle creating meal plans to build myself up and tear myself down later. I had little self-esteem. I had even less self-acceptance.

Muddled along the journey were all of the actions I took to make myself feel better: Striving for an award at work, volunteering my time for various organizations, trying to backsquat twice my body weight, attempting a half marathon, chasing after a salary, trying to impress people whose approval I sought, avoiding confrontation, and shifting who I was to whatever social situation I found myself in. All of this was just as exhausting as trying to lose five pounds.

Does any of this resonate with you? Have you ever sought recognition in some area of your life to make up for the one you can’t control? Have you felt like you can get anything done except for the few things that matter to you? Do you set the same personal goals every year only to see them succumb to the priorities of other people? Do you over exercise to make up for overeating? Do you always need to be dressed up with make up on because you’re insecure in your own skin? Are you tired of chasing all the goals and not making any true traction? Do you follow your meal plan perfectly for 4 days and then succumb to a massive binge?

People-pleasing became a personal let down

What I couldn’t see at the time was how my people-pleasing behavior was feeding the fire for my issues with food. I honestly and truly thought to myself at one point, “If I can’t have a body I’m comfortable in, I need to be the best at work so that I have value somewhere.” Writing that out now is soul-crushing — I wasted many years of my life in a rat race with no prize at the end.

I was busy. I still am. My most common criticism is that I have overly high expectations of myself. Even as a child, my father often told me I put too much on my plate and that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. In adulthood, I’ve listened to others critique how I run my schedule and give their advice on how to improve it. Each suggestion left an impression that somehow what I was doing was wrong. Countless times I heard, “you’re going to have to give that up when you have kids” or “you’re going to run yourself into the ground.”

I would sit and ruminate on others’ advice. At the time, people’s words meant so much to me: They held the keys to being liked, to being accepted, and to being normal. But none of what they had to say was true to my being. If only I could decipher what I was supposed to be doing, then I would certainly have this happiness thing figured out once and for all.

I was entangled. I was running in circles trying to figure out who to “be” and I was wrapped around 3 different meal plans and chasing every finish line I could see. I created the own binds I found myself in — and I kept pulling them tighter and tighter until I could no longer move.

So where was the turnaround?

There were multiple… there are likely more to come. Here’s what I learned: An unhealthy relationship with your body is less about following a meal plan and exercise routine; rather, it’s about navigating your thoughts and emotions into a place that continually serves you. Backsquatting 250 pounds is far easier than coming to terms with your subconscious thoughts. The latter is messy, at times disheartening and requires that you muster all the courage you have to overcome it.

It came down to understanding habits and how they loop. I’m not simply talking about the daily latte habit or the skipping your workout habit. It’s also the mental thought loops we run when faced with an obstacle or challenging social situation and how they inevitably leak into the loops that run our actions. I learned a process called “modeling” that I still practice to this day… everyday. I essentially figured out how to stop the unhealthy habit loops before they start their defective circling.

Much of this process forced me to come to terms with truths I struggled to put into practice: Other people are not responsible for your emotions. And, as an emotional eater, I needed to reclaim that power for myself. I needed to stop choosing food as a method to soothe me and dig into the pain of whatever it was I was essentially using food to cover up. When I committed to doing the hard work of self reflection, I was utterly shocked at what I found. Given the goals I sought, I’d always considered myself a driven individual. But, what I figured out was that in most cases, I was my own roadblock.

Letting go of others allowed me to hang on to myself

Finally, and most importantly, I acknowledged my own needs and stopped bending to the will of whoever I was with. It took a long time to figure out just how deep my people-pleasing ran and how I used food to cope with its side effects. I gave myself permission to ask myself who and what I wanted to be.

As I broke the chains of being busy to please other people, I realized I love being busy and having a full calendar. I thrive on progress and new challenges. I no longer needed to feel guilty for being a scheduled individual because I no longer did it for others… I did it for myself. I already developed a strong set of time management and goal-setting skills. When I used these tools for goals that I chose for myself, I no longer felt I was running myself into the ground. And to be honest, I haven’t received that critique in quite some time.

Listen, you do not have to allow others to dictate how to run your life. You don’t need to feel guilty for having large goals. You certainly don’t need to justify choosing one priority over another. You can simply want the things you want and strive for them just for the simple joy of trying. Your life is not meant to be lived in full-time defense mode. If you find yourself in any of the situations above, know that each of them has a resolution.

I make no promises that what I describe will work for others in the same way it did for me. But I do guarantee if you put in the thought and consideration asked of you, you can navigate your way into making lifestyle changes to align with the person you want to be. I celebrate my busy schedule. I respect it. I honor it and choose wonderful things to put on it.

In all honesty, I’m glad I have this struggle. Undoubtedly, it frustrates and challenges me. Having been on the other side of redirecting a few of my worst habits, I can confidently say that working through it all has made me a better person. The process of untangling and redesigning my life was and continues to be my greatest gift. So much so, I cannot wait to share it with others. Ready to untangle? You can do this.

Originally published at https://annajavellana.com on February 12, 2020.