I Am Two People Contained In One Body

The impact of trauma on my childhood development

I am two people contained in one body.

Number One is self-conscious, prone to prolonged bouts of mental illness, and not at all confident.

Number Two is a highly motivated, fit and confident person. One who pushes himself daily to grow, learn and produce.

Throughout most of my childhood, Number One ruled. This was the product growing up in a less than stable home, my father was an addict and a dealer; subsequently his home never felt safe.

Number One learnt to survive. To feed himself and his brother and for the most part, to blend into the background. He developed dissociation to cope with the more traumatic events of his childhood; something that he still battles with to this day.

Number Two did exist back then, but his visits were fleeting.

He would come out for sports and occasionally in class, but never stayed for long. Occasionally he would make friends, but would never share his social skills with number one.

Number One self-harmed, number one idealised suicide; but when it came down to the crunch, number two kept me alive.