I Conquered Perfectionism by Embracing Emotional Discomfort
Stop avoiding. Start living.
For much of my life, perfection wasn’t a lofty goal but a standard I was compelled to exceed. When I developed a large crack in my armor in my early twenties, a plethora of uncomfortable thoughts flooded my headspace for the first time in my life. Because I had never before navigated emotional discomfort, I developed an eating disorder to regain control and numb my feelings.
For years, I had sheltered myself from situations that might crack my perfect persona and trigger debilitating emotional discomfort. In grade school, I routinely made the excuse that I was buried under a mountain of homework to avoid making friends, afraid that if I got too close, others would see and mock my imperfections. I stopped myself from pursuing a passion of singing because I was terrified of the negative feedback I might receive about my voice. During college and graduate school, I pushed away the deep feeling inside I wasn’t meant to follow the traditional academic career path everyone expected of me because I didn’t want my mentors to be disappointed.
Because I was terrified to appear imperfect on the outside and feel uncomfortable on the inside, I was desperate for protection from situations that might challenge my perfection and trigger emotions that seemed too difficult to endure. Hiding from potential discomfort provided me the sense of security that I so anxiously needed.
But the ignored passions, limited friendships and eating disorder were just temporary means of preventing myself from experiencing emotional discomfort. The uneasiness went unresolved because I failed to develop the proper tools to process and cope with my emotions.
It has taken two and a half years (and counting) of weekly therapy sessions to strip away the armor, address the unsettling feelings, and develop the tools to better support my mental and physical health.
These same tools I now offer to you.
We won’t ever be able to live our lives without experiencing emotional discomfort. Troubling situations, thoughts or feelings can trigger underlying mental illnesses or instigate new ones because it’s easier to ignore the discomfort or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms than to deal with the pain.
Instead of hastily slapping on a Band-Aid or throwing on your blinders the next time discomfort greets you head-on, follow these three tips to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. The work isn’t easy, but if you can better navigate these sensations, you will become more resilient and better able to support your mental health.
1. Connect your mind and body through somatic work
Somatic therapy uses the relationship between the mind and physical body to address emotional distress, underlying trauma or suppressed feelings. The following two techniques can be done anywhere at any time.
Observe and shift
This first technique helps you to associate uncomfortable emotions with physical sensations in your body.
When you’re feeling particularly vulnerable, triggered or are experiencing any other form of emotional discomfort, start by asking yourself, “What uncomfortable emotions am I feeling in this moment?”
Then, get curious about where in your body those feelings are showing up.
Sensations like tightening, burning, or nausea might be obviously apparent, but if not, do a quick full-body scan and observe where you might be holding negative emotions. For me, anxiety often feels like butterflies or churning in my stomach, and embarrassment or fear of imperfection often manifests as tightening or burning in my chest.
The physical sensations might be difficult to endure — but take a few moments to really feel them. So often we quickly suppress any discomfort in our physical bodies and emotional bodies that we don’t ever have a chance to process our emotions, so be sure to take this time to acknowledge your current state of being without judgement.
Once you’ve found where those emotions are showing up in your body and given yourself a few moments to truly notice them, it’s time to transition to a place of calm.
Physically shift your attention to a place in your body that feels stable and relaxed. Again, perform a full-body scan if necessary. I often find reprieve in my legs, but maybe you feel it in your arms or fingers.
By focusing on the place in our bodies where we feel more physically grounded, we can better dissipate our emotional discomfort in the moment and return to more deeply processing our emotions later.
Tapping
Rooted in the fundamentals of the Emotional Freedom Technique, the physical tapping of specific places on our bodies — energy “hot spots” — can help to relieve emotional distress. I find this technique as a particularly soothing and simple way to release my discomfort in moments of intense unease.
Unlike the previous technique which can be performed entirely introspectively, this technique requires small physical movements, so consider trying this method at your desk or in the restroom if you prefer privacy.
First, create a mantra using the following formula:
“Even though I am feeling (negative thought or emotion), I (comforting truth about yourself).”
As someone who suffers from imposter syndrome, I often use the statement, “Even though I am feeling like an imposter in this situation, I am confident in my abilities and knowledge.”
Then, tap each of the following areas on your body with your fingers three times while silently chanting your mantra: top of the head, between the eyebrows, on temples, under the eyes, under the nose, on the chin, atop the collarbones, and under the arms.
Repeat this cycle until the emotional discomfort dissipates and you start to accept your truth as reality.
2. Intentionally put yourself in uncomfortable situations
Though it seems counterintuitive, we become more resilient to discomfort by frequently engaging in situations that stimulate those difficult emotions.
I spent much of my childhood and early adulthood avoiding situations that made me anxious, stressed or vulnerable. I especially used to fear disappointing my mentors, and the idea of appearing imperfect or making a decision that didn’t agree with their plan for my future gave me intense anxiety. To shield myself from emotional discomfort, I lived my life in a way that met their expectations of perfection and successfully avoided feelings of unease. However, because I shielded myself from suffering, I never learned to cope with my emotions, and because of that, each new situation seemed even scarier than the last.
Now, I’ve found that by engaging in situations that make me uncomfortable, I’ve become desensitized to them as they become less novel.
Though it was difficult to allow my mentors to see my flaws, once I started embracing them and navigating the associated discomfort with my therapeutic tools, I became mentally and emotionally more resilient.
You’ll find that you too are more resilient when you intentionally begin to step outside your comfort zone and embrace the discomfort.
3. Reflect on your growth
In times when I want to revert to ignoring my negative emotions because addressing them head-on seems too difficult to bear, I journal about how ignoring the discomfort hasn’t ever supported my wellbeing or happiness.
To understand how avoiding discomfort isn’t serving you, take time to explore how failing to address and process these emotions has negatively affected your life.
Avoiding situations that might shake me have prohibited me from taking beneficial risks, trying new things and enjoying life. Bottling up my difficult emotions for years also caused me to battle with my mental health and develop an eating disorder, so if I were to continue to live in my seemingly “safe” bubble, I risk triggering my underlying illnesses.
Once you open your eyes to all the doors that have been closed or the unhealthy habits that have been developed because of your fear of discomfort, shift your attention to all the good that getting comfortable with those feelings has brought into your life.
I now embrace my flaws and imperfections, as they are what make me human. I can stand up for myself in situations where I would have previously suppressed my beliefs or ideas for fear of disagreeing with those to whom I look up. I completely changed my career path into one that brings me joy, despite not being the one my mentors had in mind for me. Most importantly, I’ve been able to cope with all of life’s twists and turns without fear of reverting to my eating disorder because I embrace discomfort.
You’ll likely find that you are now more resilient, and that you aren’t as easily thrown off by old triggers. Because of this, you’re likely to take bigger risks and cope with your emotions through more beneficial techniques when you are feeling uneasy.
By embracing that which is emotionally uncomfortable, I have been able to rid myself of my eating disorder, shed my desire to be perfect, redefine my worth, and rewrite my life story.
I hope that by implementing even just one of these three tips and getting comfortable with discomfort, you can support your wellbeing and take a step towards the person you hope to become.
