I DISCOVERED A SUICIDE NOTE I WROTE 4 YEARS AGO
It’s not really a note; it’s a poem that I turned into a song
The first few stories I published were mostly about love, relationships, and positivity but this time, I’d like to open up more and share about the darker parts of my life.
I believe in the therapeutic effects of writing and by sharing what I wrote on Medium, I hope to relieve myself and bring light to others who are experiencing the same things I have experienced and some, overcome.
1. HAVING BAD DAYS AND HAVING REALLY BAD DAYS
I have bad days like everyone else. During these days, I feel down and tired. I don’t like to do anything and I lose interest in the things I once enjoyed. I don’t feel good about myself and I just want to be left alone. Usually, these bad days last a day or two, the worst, three.
But I also have really bad days (let’s call them RBD’s) that stretch into weeks, months, and even up to a year. I’ve had these RBD’s since I was a kid. During these RBD’s, I’d become a zombie; a zombie with a constantly worrying head and heart. I literally become a WALKING WORRY.
Everything I do is laden with fear and anxiety. I’d stop caring about the world around me but at the same time, my head would be filled with the worst things that could happen to me or the worst things that others would think of me.
I’d miss school and spend days cooped up inside the house. I’d spend most of my time being alone but deep down, I was craving for attention and help.
As I was growing up, I was confused what was going on with me. At first, I did not think there was something wrong but as I grew older, I started to wonder why the RBD’s keep on happening. Then, this idea was born in my head: THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
2. THE D WORD
I first encountered the term DEPRESSION when I was in high school. I thought it was just another word for being sad. I knew nothing about mental health during my younger years but after I became aware of the true definition of the D WORD, things started to become clear. Other people were experiencing the same things as me!
This knowledge might have made things clear but it did not help me at all. In fact, I was far from being okay when I started college. My mental health was pushed to the edge during my University days.
It was one of those RBD’s that I wrote a suicide note. That particular RBD’s were so bad that it lasted for a year. Maybe I’ll tell you all about it in another post and perhaps my other RBD’s as well and how I eventually moved past them.
3. THE NOTE
As promised in the title, here is the note that I wrote four years ago. I found it in the deeper parts of my Google Drive.
Kill me now; end my misery and my terrors
I see no good left in this world that awaits me
Drain my blood, break my bones, pull my hairs
Cut the string of life; untie me, release me free
Lift this heavy burden behind my back
Or better yet squeeze me under the whole weight of it
Let me be one with the dirt and stuff me inside the crack
Turn me into fine powder, into the crevices let me sit
And blow me away into nothingness
Forget me, the things I did, the person I was
Do no fret about me; do not lift the rocky mess
I left behind for you; run away, look away fast
Do not cry; don’t cry for me please
Instead, cry for the grass in the land where I lay
Let them grow, thrive, flourish and erase
The marks I left and the things I turned away
I won’t miss you there; so please don’t bother
Missing me is useless, wrong and foolish
I hurt you and chose to abandon each other
Goodbye for now, goodbye forever, I am finished
As I read the note, I feel nothing. I could not recall the feeling of utter sadness. I even had a hard time remembering what made me so depressed. I’d like to believe this is a clear sign that I got through that RBD’s and moved on with my life.
I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never entertained my suicidal thoughts. But reading the words above, I guess there was a moment when I did.
The note signified that I had lost hope; that I wanted to disappear because life was too much for me; and that I wanted to be forgotten by the people I left behind.
4. THE SONG
I had a lot of free time during my worst RBD’s and I had a few moments of clarity.
During those few moments, I wrote. I put into words everything I was going through. I wrote journal entries. I wrote stories. I wrote poems. I wrote songs.
I tried to take control of my life during my worst RBD’s and some of the results were my written works. Here is the song that I wrote from my note:
A Note (Don’t Cry For Me)
Verse I:
If you are reading this
That means I’m gone
I’ve gone to the place I want
Not to be found
It seems all the good that’s left
Has been ran out
And the strings that were binding it
Were all worn out
Refrain:
From ash, I had come to be
In a world so free
To ash, I shall be returned
Be truly free
From ash, I had come to be
In a world so free
To ash, I shall be returned
Chorus:
Don’t cry for me, for me
Save your tears for the grass, where I lay
Let them grow and erase the things
Things I left and that I turned away
Don’t cry for me, for me
Save your voice for goodbyes, farewells
Save your air for the kiss, I’ll miss
And the days that we shared full of bliss
Verse II:
As they drain all the blood inside
I’ll flow with it
And if they burn everything of me
It’d be worth it
Let me fit under all those rocks
Inside their cracks
Or blow me to nothingness
Into the skies
Repeat Refrain
Repeat Chorus
Bridge:
To the place where I will go
There’s no more missing you
So please stop missing me
No grief, no misery
No grief, no misery
No grief, no misery
My friends and family
Repeat Refrain
Repeat Chorus
Outro (Repeat Refrain)
I wrote the song two months after I made the note. I was still in the middle of my RBD’s by then.
CONCLUSION
I had a year in my life that proved to be so difficult that I almost gave up. I can’t say I’ve dealt with it the right way by really taking my time to recover (a one-year hiatus). What I can honestly say is that I’ve dealt with it and completely moved past it.
That particular RBD’s will have a special place in my life. It’s a like a big sign that says, “No matter how terrible life may seem, what you can do is show up and be kind to yourself.” The words are from Shine.
