I DO HATE HAVING PANIC ATTACKS

I’d almost prefer a real physical ailment sometimes.

Michelle Monet
Sep 6, 2018 · 4 min read
Photo credit: upsplash

Sometimes I really despise having this panic/anxiety shit and would almost prefer a physical diagnosis. Something ‘real’ and non stigmatized, like diabetes, lyme, gout, hemorrhoids, excessive zits, irritable bowel, ingrown toenails, a broken back, swollen feet, the plague? (NO!), but honestly having anxiety issues sometimes feels worse than a broken back, a stroke or other serious illnesses.

With all these other ‘real’ diagnosis’s you are not blamed. You are normally put on a healing path to getting well and you are NOT stigmatized.


My dad recently had 4 strokes and my mom broke her back. Both are in their late 80s. Both of them are being attended to by ‘professionals’. Both got ‘get well soon’ cards and flowers and both are getting almost round the clock assistance and help with Physical Therapists and nurses . They also have guests who come visit them.

When you have chronic anxiety or panic or Complex-PTSD traumas or most mental health conditions :

You don’t get ‘get well soon’ cards

You don’t get flowers

You don’t get much empathy or sympathy

You don’t get round the clock attentive care. (Unless you are put away in a psych ward! — then you might.)

Mostly, you are left to your own devices.


I am very grateful I have therapists and understanding friends. have assembled what I call my S*W*A*T team (Supportive Women Acquiring Truths). They are an invaluable ‘team’. I really am grateful for them.

Here is a poem from my latest book about my S*W*A*T team:

MY S.W.A.T TEAM

I assembled my new S*W*A*T team —
I call them
Supportive Women Acknowledging Truths.
This gal group is invaluable
They give support with couth.

My S*W*A*T team girls are Nancy
Janice, Deb and Barb.
A powerful group I confide in
About life and death and carbs.

We talk of P.T.S.D
Anxiety and men,
Prescription pills,
Meditation,
Breathing deep
To Zen.

These gals are Super Powers
They’ve walked me through some fires.
A phone call works like medicine
To talk me down from my high wires.

I’m thankful for my S*W*A*T team
These ladies are so wise.
They sweetly pass it forward
And help change others’ lives.


I don’t mean to bitch today but …well — maybe I DO! I’m very very tired almost weary from almost daily panic and anxiety triggers.

Right when I think its SAFE to…go..back in the — water? Or — out in PUBLIC or to a SOCIAL EVENT or drive my car in a busy downtown area!? the panic grabs me by the ass like a shark and TAKES ME DOWN, under the water! GRR!!


So, I recently decided to buck it up and go to a lawyer and see about getting SSI benefits for my almost crippling anxiety, after a friend told me she did it and it worked for her.

I do feel my brain is injured — from a childhood’s worth of unresolved shit and of unresolved pain. Then, in 1996, I was left alone in a foreign country with no money and no way to get home after being stalked by a crazed violent husband who was threatening to kill me daily?

I dont know. Maybe I never healed or dealt with this stuff.

I am 56 years old now. So, since 1996 I put all my unresolved shit in the back recesses of my brain. It was too overwhelming to look at it.

I immersed myself in visual art and I thought I could forget.

I was like an ostrich with my head in the sand for over 15 years. I had a rather successful visual art business for awhile —until for some reason I couldn’t hold it all IN anymore. Couldn't keep denying my past. Couldn't stop my past memories from flooding in.

It was like a Jack n the Box head that finally SPRUNG UP and hit me in the face!

BOINnnNNNnnGGGGG!!

— after years and years of trying to hold it —DOWN.


Today I really do feel that anxiety issues might be just as serious, if not more so than physical ailments. There is also the stigma attached to them.

This is why I feel so compelled to study and write about this topic now.

I will continue to do so because unlike physical issues these mental issues can be more insidious and sneaky and — we don’t get ‘Get Well Cards!’


THANKS FOR READING!

www.michellemonet.com

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

Michelle Monet

Written by

Musician. Author. Poet. Cat Mama. Seeker. Curious Creator. Currently writing showbiz memoir and Broadway style Musical. contact: michelle@michellemonet.com

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

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