I Thought I Was Happier Than This

Feeling lost within myself never felt so far away

Photo by Jordan M. Lomibao on Unsplash

I thought I was…
Happier than this.
Stronger than this.
Better than this.
More optimistic than this.
More realistic than this.

I never would have expected myself to have these episodic depressive states where I feel down, then lonely, then completely alone, and then empty.

I never would have expected myself to have taken this path, to be subject to this crap. Not me, not me — mister “unrealistic optimism” as my signature tagline chants.

Pssh — to hell with that. I’m not sure if I even believe in that at all during the days when I feel my worst.

I’m a man of faith, known to remain hopeful for the future. So, why do I feel so empty inside and where did I miss my normal fueling station to revitalize my spirits? Was it somewhere between church sermons going online while the pulpits remained cold without my bum in the back row to keep it warm?

Perhaps a bigger proponent for my unsuspecting decline came from all the many transitions I took on at the beginning of the year. I’ve a new home, a new job, new schedules, another new job, different responsibilities…