I Want Them To Smile At Me
It’s strange.
It’s a bliss to be alone, but one of the toughest things at the same time.
I can’t easily tell if it’s my heart or my mind that longs for company.
I think it’s both.
But right now, I am alone. There is nothing I can change about that.
So let me write a poem for you.
I wonder if it’s just me
who enters the train station
full of wonder, but also a strange fear
of everyone I see
I long to smile at people passing me
but my mind, it doesn’t set that love free
I never really understand that force,
or rather the reason for it,
but there is no point pretending
that I am not afraid
of everyone I see
regardless of the source
I love the people whom I surround,
and who surround me,
but my mind hates them,
it seems, to my society and my past
it is still quite bound
I want them to smile at me,
hell! I even want them to converse,
yet I don’t, I don’t at all!
What if it turns out to be much worse,
than what I imagine it to be?
What if they end up judging me,
as I sit there, doing my best
to feel beautiful and strong,
pushing anxiety away
I wonder when have I gone so astray,
when all I wanted was to love,
to love with all my heart,
never seeing the wrong,
in you and me,
constantly expecting the worst,
of this world, while the worst,
rarely is what happens,
I must have realized too late
that this has become my reality
A stranger’s smile
brings me out of my thoughts
paves way for some shyness, instead of fear,
at least they don’t seem to mind my style,
I think in frustration,
since caring about validation never seemed
like a goal I held very dear
But I love this world,
I love you,
I love you, stranger, despite my anger and my fear,
I do,
I know what my mind thinks is mostly not true,
or so I say,
as I make my way once again to work,
on this new day.
Excerpt from my daily notes.
4th of February, 2018.
04:03 PM.
