Identifying Control Within A Relationship
Understanding how and when the intricate balances within a relationship have been compromised.
Before I start, if you are experiencing any type of physical violence and/or intimidation from a controlling partner you must reach out to somebody as soon as you can. If a balance of control has already been irrevocably surpassed, you would have already identified the points made in this article.
Relationships are complex, and the easiest way of managing the many moving parts involved is for couples to work together in solving them, constantly finding a set of balances that work best for whatever situation you both find yourselves in. But this very concept can quickly get out of hand, especially if we feel that the role of power has been subverted in some way.
The idea of power and control can evolve wildly, leaving a dynamic where one may feel victimised or unable to reinforce a sense of levity to a seemingly dire situation. Power can easily be inverted or used with damaging consequences to whoever feels vulnerable.
Trusting your instincts and identifying tension
The biggest tell-tale sign of a controlling relationship is whether you feel constant tension when around your partner. This could happen whilst addressing sensitive subjects, or it could have already morphed into a general feeling of dread whenever you are around them, making it difficult — even impossible — to communicate your problems when this feeling arises.
Initially, it is important for us to ascertain whether this is genuine tension or a prolonged anxiety due to external circumstance or worry. Identifying whether your tensions arise solely from either external influences, a factor exclusive to the relationship, or a combination of both is a necessity.
This is pretty simple to work out and so we have to trust our own instincts on the matter and take responsibility for our own well-being. Our first action should involve us gathering the courage to talk openly about these worries to your partner.
In many cases, the cause of tension is but a simple breakdown of communication that can be remedied with honest conversation and an open dialogue about the problem (money, family, work etc). However, the real problems lie when communication breaks down for the fear of the other’s reaction, or an insistence that your viewpoint is not worth considering.
So what can we do if communication doesn’t seem to be an option? Well our next action should be focused into talking to people you trust and letting these feelings out, validating through discussion whether this anxiety is justified. If this is already a step too far, try starting a running dialogue with yourself in writing.
At its most basic level, the physical feeling of constant tension is a warning, it is nature’s way of communicating to us that we need to react, usually against the tide. It is vital for us to communicate these worries outwards and by leaving these tensions corked up you will risk them showing up in other areas of your life. This could lead further alienation from important friends or withdrawal from the situation altogether.
We must never over-analyse our tensions if those feelings overwhelm us. Tension, by definition indicates that a level of fear and apprehension has settled, and the combination of both can be stifling. It is important not to make excuses, nor compromise our feelings by adding to it a fresh perspective. It is this avoidance and this lack of compromise that put us here in the first instance.
Understanding whether your personal freedom is being denied to you
It is vital for both sides of any relationship to maintain a sense of independence. As emotionally involved as you may be, it is simply healthy for you to continue and keep your own personal interests close to you. By exercising your right to explore these passions is a great way for you both to build trust.
Problems arise when our social interactions or personal time outside of the relationship are tested unfairly. Once the free time we reserve for ourselves have attached with it unwarranted provisos and curfews, you must stay strong and insist — with reason — both of your rights to this time. Therefore any underlying paranoia must be addressed in a civil way.
A balance in trust is important to establish when clarifying any underlying issues that may arise. Be it jealousy or suspicion, by simply reassuring the other that there is nothing to worry about should — with clear conscience — be enough.
Managing trust is especially complex in this day and age, where digital communication is king. We have a plethora of ways to speak to people and communicate our ideas. Predictably the time we invest within these online realms can give rise to paranoia, which if not managed correctly, can lead to the invasion of our personal digital privacy. The room for potential psychoses are vast.
Monitoring each other’s internet activity or guessing for a set of passwords to actually be in control of paranoia is a massive problem and hints at deeper psychological problems. If you find that your privacy in these innocuous circumstances have been violated, there is a deep routed problem you must address and tackle.
There really isn’t any excuse to justify such irrational behaviour, the addiction of which can spiral rapidly. Any breach of this privacy is a serious breach of trust and could be symptomatic of a much larger problem.
Becoming aware of your own behaviour
Training oneself to become more assertive and confident is a crucial way for us to grow both emotionally and intellectually. This is especially true for relationships. For a couple to flourish there must be an innate sense of where each other are in these terms as to nurture each other’s growth.
Within these complexities, discontent can breed and uncover unseen competitive streaks. There are a few nuanced behavioural ticks we adopt, one of the most common is overcompensation.
“I love you.” It is certainly nice to hear these words. But when we find ourselves constantly using “I love you”, compensating for a lack of reaction or filling-in awkward silences, we must look deep down as to why that need to say these words is there.
It is quite natural for us to suddenly feel a rush of emotion overwhelm, but once we begin using “I love you” as punctuation, as soon as the meaning of the phrase is lost to filler, something has gone awry. You cannot expect to overcompensate and cater to your partner’s insecurity or sensitivity all of the time. Overdoing these gestures can breed habitual behaviours.
There are other obvious signs in which a lack of compromise can be apparent, these especially come to surface in social situations. The role of which each person adopts within a social setting speaks volumes about the overall perception we would like our friends to see. In these situations, we tend to present an exaggerated version of how actual power is dealt within the relationship. If there is a desire for one person to establish a clear dominance over you in front of close friends, there is a basic lack of respect showing.
Whatever show this is, and whatever the perception is wanted from the performance, it leaves behind huge scars for the “inferior” member. There are many ways we can see this.
Being left out of conversation, or having a conversation steered away from your involvement can seriously dent one’s confidence. An inadequacy to stand up for yourself despite this apparent show of domination will lead to a crippling lack of confidence in any social group and will leave you feel overpowered. This can lead to more aggressive displays of proofs of power. You may notice that your partner has started to speak on your behalf, with your own opinion left being dictated to you.
The most damaging consequence of this however is when you feel that your own opinions have to be first validated from your partner before you act on it. This is especially detrimental because it can bleed into your personal life and become the qualifying factor that leads the other person to believe they are superior within the relationship.
This article is not about destroying relationships. For most of us we will always be managing some form of power dynamic, but this is at the root of all relationships. Keeping strong and maintaining an idea of your own morals and responsibilities to yourself is essential when navigating a constantly-changing harmony.
