Identifying Intergenerational Transmission in Your Life
Tactical Tips for Discovering Your Family Patterns
In my last article, I presented several theories about intergenerational transmission. In this article, I present guidelines to recognize intergenerational patterns in your life. I hope the guidelines serve as a launching point to investigate unexplored patterns in your life.
Family History
Family history offers an excellent starting point to uncover intergenerational patterns. A great way to access the past is through the stories of family members. Listen between the words for hidden truths about your family. Also, many online platforms such as Ancestry present insight into the past. With digging, you can uncover important information.
Utilize the information you gather to enhance your quality of life. Enhancing your quality of life will positively affect your relationships with your family and will improve their quality of life.
Family history is a broad topic, and without direction, you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed about what to investigate first. To uncover intergenerational patterns, I recommend focusing on unsaid family rules, family patterns, values, and language.
Unsaid Family Rules
Unsaid family rules are unspoken rules that shape a family’s interactions with each other and the world. We all live with unsaid family rules. Sometimes unsaid family rules are unhelpful. Common unhelpful unsaid family rules include:
Unhelpful unsaid family rules stir uncomfortable feelings and the feelings are often not shared, which creates dysfunction.
Gary Smalley and John Trent, the authors of The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance, explore the impact of unhelpful family rules and state,
“…not all family rules are worth retaining…The process will continue from generation to generation until at last someone breaks this painful pattern…”.
Processing and changing unhelpful unsaid family rules is life-changing, and the first step in the change process is to gain awareness.
Gain awareness around which rules influence your life the most. Chances are you feel emotionally, mentally, or physically uncomfortable or drained when the rules are present. Once you recognize these moments, formulate a helpful rule to counteract the unhelpful one. Finally, practice, practice, practice.
For example, Kelly is a 10-year-old girl who wants to have a sleepover with her best friend. She decides to ask her dad first because she knows her mom will probably say no. She goes on to ask her dad and he says yes. Kelly knows that the unsaid rule in her family is that her dad will say yes when her mom says no. Her dad also catches onto the pattern and instead of saying yes right away he tells Kelly that he has to check-in with her mom first. Checking-in with Kelly’s mom (his wife) strengthens their relationship and provides a unified front to Kelly.
Family Patterns
Family patterns influence us from the moment we are born. They shape our beliefs about the world, relationships, emotions, and much more.
Through the process of homeostasis, family members subconsciously operate to maintain the patterns within the family system.
Murry Bowen, the father of Bowen Family Therapy, created genograms to explore patterns responsible for homeostasis. He believed that a family member was best understood through understanding the entire family. He made genograms to assess medical and relational patterns across multiple generations. His genograms often uncovered many generational patterns. If you would like to learn how to construct a genogram, read this article by GenoPro entitled, What Is A Genogram in Family Therapy.
Family patterns amount to more than relational and medical patterns. With this in mind, cultivate curiosity along with awareness while searching for patterns. Question old habits that do not foster joy and ask yourself the following questions:
- Which family patterns influence me?
- Which patterns have I benefited from?
- Which patterns have hurt me?
- Which pattern do I want to change?
- Which emotions accompany my family patterns?
Seek to understand the role you play within the various patterns. Be intentional with the roles you choose. You have the power to decide which role to star in and which role to pass on. Ultimately, changing your role will change the pattern.
Values
Values serve as guideposts throughout life. The Center for Parenting Education talks about intergenerational values and states,
“All families have a set of beliefs, values, and attitudes that are passed down from generation to generation through the messages that children receive from their parents”.
Children adopt the values instilled by their family of origin. The values become part of a child’s subconscious and affect daily choices.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered that some of my clients are unhappy because they do not live by their values. There are many reasons why this happens, but sometimes it is because my clients have not updated their values since childhood. Many of my clients discover happiness once they find congruence with their true values.
What do you value? Do any of your values require updating? Read this list and see what stands out.
As you begin to explore your values, identify two or three core values (the most important values). When you identify them, write them down and keep them visible somewhere. Adopt the values as a guide in daily life. When you feel lost or uncertain, lean into the values to ground yourself. If you follow your values, you will find yourself in a place you need and want to be.
Language
Lera Boroditsky, the author of How Does Our Language Shape The Way We Think? explores the power of language and states,
“Language is central to our experience of being human, and the languages we speak profoundly shape the way we think, the way we see the world, the way we live our lives”.
On a micro level, the words and narratives we use within different languages shape the way we experience ourselves, our family, and the world.
Storytelling is the birthplace of intergenerational learning. The creation of family identity is strongly tied to each family’s stories. Words are powerful and influence our identity in the face of our family identity. We author our lives through language and we mimic the language we heard growing up.
Language greatly influences emotional, mental, and relational realities. For example, Riley received a ‘B’ on a recent chemistry test. Two options she may tell herself include: (1) I am thankful I studied so hard before the test. (2) That test was so unfair. I deserved an A. The words within the phrases influence emotions. In the first example, Riley will likely feel pride at having studied for the test. In the second example, Riley will likely feel frustration. The emotions affect her day and her interactions with others.
Choose your words wisely.
We make thousands of choices every day without a second thought. Intergenerational family patterns influence our subconscious decision-making process. By exploring family history, patterns within unsaid family rules, family patterns, values, and language will surface. We have the power to accept or change what we find. Acceptance and change both take time. Permit yourself time to discover what fits best with you. As your children grow, encourage them to find what fits best with them. Do not shame yourself or your children for your individual experience of life. Find the patterns worth repeating and enjoy every moment.
