If I Was as Fat as I Thought I Was Then…
Almost every female I know has struggled with their weight as it relates to their self-image at some point in their life. There’s a scene in the 2004 film Mean Girls, where each of the popular girls looks in the mirror and points out some part of their body they don’t like.
Karen: God. My hips are huge!
Gretchen: Oh please. I hate my calves.
Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I’ve got man shoulders.
Cady: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently, there are lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.
Regina: My pores are huge.
Karen: My nail beds suck.
This scene really demonstrates the pressures women are under to have each part of their body look “perfect.” Everyone else in their school would kill to look like any of these girls, but they don’t see themselves that way. That’s exactly how society is. (Claps for writer Tina Fey making that point!)
I’ve felt like that as long as I can remember. I have been insecure about my weight since… at least the third or fourth grade. I think a lot of my issues stem from my mom’s negative body image of herself. That’s what I grew up with and that’s the only example I saw. I’m not blaming her because I know that’s the last thing she wanted for me, to struggle with my self-image.
100 pounds.
Fourth grade was a tough year for me. We had moved from South Florida to Chicago. Not only was I the “new kid” but I was the new kid from a completely different state. Everyone had their friend groups pretty set in stone by then. Old enough to figure out who your friends are, but young enough to still be nice to everyone. This was a problem for me, since I spent a little time with lots of different friend groups. But I wasn’t “in” any of the groups. Puberty hit me earlier than most. I had to wear a bra and deodorant before most girls my age. I got acne before most kids my age. And the worst, my hips started widening before other girls my age. Of course, I didn’t know that’s what it was. I just saw that I wasn’t as small as them. New kid hitting puberty. Perfect combination to really feel like I didn’t fit in.
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
120 pounds.
It was the summer before eighth grade, and my boyfriend and best friend at the time dumped me. For a skinny, beautiful, popular cheerleader who was mean to me. She wore make-up, the coolest clothes, and straightened her hair. I bought a shirt from Hollister. Anyone can be cool if they wear the right clothes. The first time I wore the shirt, I was uncomfortable all day. I was hyper-aware that my muffin top was showing, sitting above my low-rise jeans for everyone to see. I never wore that shirt, or anything from Hollister again.
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
130 pounds.
Freshman year of high school I ate my lunch as quickly as I could. Every day, I raced to be one of the first ones in the cafeteria. I would cautiously take out my Jenny Craig meal with the labels torn off and scarf it down before anyone could see. My mom and I tried to do Jenny Craig together, but I didn’t last long on the program. As if starting high school wasn’t hard enough, I was also struggling with my self-image. It was so hard to stick to my diet when everyone else was walking around with french fries, cookies, candy, and soda. Pizza day was especially difficult. I didn’t know how to say no to the junk food everyone else at school had without telling them I was on a diet.
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
140 pounds.
At the end of my sophomore year of high school I started dating a seemingly-nice, quiet senior. He loved to walk around and ride his bike on 5+ mile bike rides. I wasn’t inactive, but barely active enough to keep up with his all-day excursions. He was the first boyfriend I made out with. Every time he put his hands on me, I felt too fat for him and wanted him to stop. The farther he wanted to go, the worse I felt about my weight. We always turned the lights off and were under the sheets. This way nobody could catch us, and he couldn’t see my rolls or chunky thighs. He said to me once, “Your boobs are so big because you eat a lot of ice cream.”
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
150 pounds.
Senior year of high school. Different boyfriend who’s also older than me. He tells me wants to have sex “whenever you’re ready.” So great, now it’s on me to decide. Since we got almost no time alone, we took advantage of times when we could have a quick rendezvous. But that was good for me. I left my shirt on when we had sex so he couldn’t see my stomach rolls. The only problem was, he could see my pasty, jiggly thighs. I have to actively spread my legs for them not to touch, and it’s worse when I’m sitting or laying down. Every time he kissed me or put his hands on me, I felt like a disgusting, fat blob, unworthy of love. Part of that is because he was also very controlling and my friends didn’t like him. I rarely hung out with anyone other than him. He made me think I was too awful to have other friends. He was an insanely picky eater, unlike anyone else I have ever known. His favorite foods were: french fries, cheese pizza, buttered noodles, cinnamon rolls. Nothing remotely healthy. Was he trying to make me feel worse about myself by fattening me up so nobody else would ever want me?
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
175 pounds.
I went to college seven hours away and in a totally different state. Freshman were required to have an unlimited meal plan. My friends and I took advantage of that, having three meals a day plus random snacks. The freedom and limited selections of food went to our heads. The freshman 15 was real, but for all of us it seemed. The boy I was dating wanted to have sex while we were visiting his parents. We were in the living room, which had glass doors anyone could see through, and we were sleeping on the bed that pulled out of the couch. Despite my repeated answer of “no” and “I’m really serious, I said no,” he did what he wanted. It took me a few months to figure out that it wasn’t okay just because we were dating and had done it before. My self-image plummeted. On top of being fat, now I was damaged as well.
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
180 pounds.
Towards the beginning of sophomore year, I started dating a guy I had become good friends with at the end of freshman year and over the summer. A guy different from anyone I had ever met. A guy who was so genuinely nice, funny, altruistic, hard working, smart, and crazy about me! For the first few months, I told him multiple times we should break up. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him. But I wasn’t even close to good enough for a guy like him! I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, nice enough, happy enough, or motivated enough. My stomach wasn’t flat enough. I wasn’t funny enough. My boobs weren’t big enough. My skin wasn’t clear enough. I wasn’t fashionable enough. My grades weren’t good enough. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in. I was too depressed. My self-esteem was too low. The list goes on and on.
185 pounds.
He didn’t let me break up with him, and it’s a damn good thing he didn’t. I realized a large part of my problem was depression and anxiety. I started taking meds. I figured out what I wanted to major in. We grew closer and closer. He became my absolute best friend. We were really in love. And I felt beautiful when I was with him, no matter what we were wearing or doing.
195 pounds.
I am engaged to the love of my life. We both know we can stand to lose a little weight and figure out that the wedding is the best motivation we’ll have. He lost weight twice as fast as I did, which motivated him to keep working out. I was doing great at first. I drank more water. I worked out. I ate more fruits and vegetables. All this hard work and barely any results. I got discouraged and quit working out. We try keto for a few months. I dropped 5 pounds quickly, then almost no results. Down 5 pounds out of the 50 I wanted to lose…
If I was as fat as I thought I was then…
It’s my wedding day, and I am elated. I feel the most beautiful I have ever felt.
Fat, but beautiful. Because you can be both.
