If Someone Opens Up About Their Trauma — Believe Them
Something that doesn’t get acknowledged enough is just how bad some situations can actually be.
Trust me when I say that I know from personal experience how bad it can get.
I speak to people on a daily basis about their living situations. Often, these people share with me the regular abuse that they face at the hands of their partners, friends or parents.
They discuss physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse, as well as the impact of untreated mental illness or addiction. This situation just adds to the regular life stressors that everyone faces.
There is a peculiar thing that seems to occur whenever someone opens up about such situations.
People who have experienced similar circumstances will immediately sympathise with the person, and begin to share their own stories. This has tremendous healing benefits for all involved.
Talking and sharing like circumstances helps everyone not to feel alone, as well as to share ideas for survival and then recovery.
Readers of my first book ‘Under The Influence — Reclaiming My Childhood’ regularly message me, saying that they have felt the way I described feeling during and after their own experiences of emotional neglect and childhood trauma.
Our similar pasts cause us to develop a deep bond.
Unfortunately, if the people listening to someone opening up about their trauma have not experienced similar life circumstances, they may not be as receptive.
Of course this doesn’t apply to all people, but there is a significant number who seem to downplay or straight up disbelieve.
I have seen countless conversations where somebody is sharing an aspect of their traumatic and abusive home life, only to witness in shock as other people respond to the story with disbelief or an attempt to lessen the severity of the victim’s situation.
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”
“Everyone is good inside, although he is hurting you, he does care for you deep down.”
“You will be okay, after all we all have our crosses to bare.”
And behind their backs:
“Why does she share that kind of stuff, if it was so bad she wouldn’t be talking about it.”
“He is clearly putting us on. Why would he stay with such an abusive partner?”
I wish I was making those up.
People don’t want to believe that there is evil in this world. They can’t fathom how parents can abuse their children, husbands their wives (or vice versa), or that somebody could choose a drug over someone they claim to love.
Accepting the claims of somebody opening up about their trauma as 100% truth would cause their idealistic worldview to shatter. Perhaps they have had a great upbringing, and have subsequently been extremely lucky since.
Regardless, this downplaying of reality really does hurt.
It causes the victim of such trauma to doubt themselves. To believe that they are in fact the cause of the issue, or that they are weak for being impacted by it.
It could cause them to keep to themselves, no longer feeling comfortable sharing with anyone (this is terrible for their ongoing mental health).
Let’s get real for a moment. Trauma is real. Addiction is real. Family violence is real. These all have a real world impact upon their victims for years to come. Of course therapy and other self-help options can reduce the impact, but often the impact is lifelong.
At worst, it can lead to cycles of addiction, self-harm and suicide.
If someone opens up to you about their trauma — believe them.
Realise that you are part of a small, select group of people that this person feels safe enough to trust with their pain. By telling you, they are in fact saying to you that you are special to them.
So please, believe what they are saying. Offer your support and advice, or at least just compassion.
Finally, if you think they are “just looking for attention” and therefore it is fine to disbelieve or downplay their story of trauma, realise a couple of things:
You may be wrong.
Just because you think that they are making it up, doesn’t mean they are. Think of how many times you have been wrong in the past — you could be wrong again. The vast majority of people won’t lie about trauma.
However, if they are making it up (and remember you can never be certain), that still tells you something. It tells you that they are indeed suffering — emotionally at least. They are still giving you a cry for help. This shouldn’t be simply ignored.
People will often talk about suicide long before they attempt it. This means that people who are “just wanting attention” may in fact actually be wanting attention — they may be wanting enough to wade off those thoughts of suicide.
As with trauma, always believe people who say that they are suicidal. It may save their lives.
If someone starts talking about trauma or suicide try the following. Start by validating their feelings and let them know that you are listening.
“I hear you.”
“I am really sorry that you are going through that.”
Then, depending on the situation, you could offer some practical advice. For example suggesting anything that has worked for you in a similar situation (if you have lived it), and by suggesting the services of a therapist/doctor/book/support group.
You could also offer your support.
“If you ever need to talk I am here for you.”
“Do you want me to come with you to your first appointment?”
“What can I do to support you?”
Remember that unless you are a trained professional, it is not your role to save everyone, or even to personally intervene. If you are concerned for someone (but don’t want to, or can’t intervene yourself), call emergency services, crisis response teams, their current therapists, or their school (if a student).
If what they tell you impacts you, speak to a therapist yourself.
~ Zachary Phillips
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