I’ll Never Be Free From My Abuser

Jessica Hillis
Oct 17 · 4 min read

The Scars Run Too Deep

It’s never going to leave me is it? This feeling of needing to look over my shoulder. The anxiety of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Of never being able to trust someone completely.

It’s been 10 years and the memories still haunt me. I can’t leave it behind like I want to. It follows me wherever I go. I escaped long ago but I am still not free.

It’s better than it was. He’s thousands of miles away in another country right now. We aren’t in the same city like we were before. There should be no chance meeting.

I still don’t feel safe. I feel like he could appear at any moment. Because that is something he threatened in the past if I dared to leave. He threatened to kill my whole family.

Image by Nick Magwood from Pixabay

Ten years is a long time but not long enough for the wound to heal. They are scars now. They will always be there. Not open wounds but scars that hurt whenever touched.

In my dreams he haunts me still. I am back in that old apartment trying to find a way to escape. I don’t dare say a word. I don’t want to set him off. He’s touching me and I don’t want to be touched.

“I already left! Why am I back here? How do I get out again?”

I say to myself in the dream. Why must I visit this place again? Why is my head being slammed on the counter? Why is there blood? Get me out! Please get me out.

He’s laughing at me. I’m crying with blood running down my face and he is happy with his handiwork. He’s instilled fear in me once again. He is telling me who has the power.

Image by Nino Carè from Pixabay

But it’s just a dream. None the less, he still has the power. The power to keep me scared. The power to stay with me all day even though he only visited me in a dream.

He invaded my safe space. Sleep should be a respite from the trials of life. It should be when your mind goes blank and you can escape the darkness of the day.

It shouldn’t transport you back in time to a place you never want to be again. I have to relive the abuse, the feeling, the escape. The anxiety builds in the dream.

Wake up! Wake up! Please wake up. This can’t be happening again.

I don’t want to be here. I have a better life now. I am safe. I want to go back to feeling safe.

Please just wake up already!

Even when the dream is over and I am finally awake, I can’t escape that feeling. The dream replays in my mind for days. The feeling lurking around the corner.

Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash

How many more times will I have to escape this man? I did it once. I thought that would be enough to heal the wounds. Instead I must relive it all and open the wounds once more.

I’m never going to escape for good am I?

This is part of me. It is always in the back of my head. And even if I think it is in my past, my past follows me wherever I go; tormenting me when I least expect it.

I will never fully wake from this nightmare.

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

Jessica Hillis

Written by

Queen of random thoughts. Writer and mother. I try to keep it real because I’m not “loving every moment”.

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

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