I’m Avoiding Something
that’s why I can’t write

I feel more ashamed confessing my feelings about my work situation than I did about revealing anything I’ve revealed so far in my blogs. How strange. I’m being pulled away from writing this by other things I “should” be doing. There’s quite a headwind.
I think it’s time to look for a job. That’s my topic for therapy today. I’m cringing just thinking about facing it. But why?
The other day, on gointothestory, I saw this:
“Write about the emotions you fear the most.”
— Laurie Halse Anderson
OK, here I go. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of humiliation. I’m afraid of feeling incompetent. I’m afraid of committing to something I’ll then dread. I’m afraid of adding things into my life that will increase my anxiety. I’m afraid of being in situations where I have to face these feelings. That’s why I stay in the kitchen. But it’s time to leave the kitchen.
This is my 84th blog post out of the 100 I committed to write. I’ve told my history in other blogs, mainly here. I did not go to college. I do not have marketable skills. I do not want to work a menial job. No, that’s not true. What I don’t want is to feel humiliated. Who says I have to work a menial job? I’m imagining the worst. I’d like to go to college. Is that possible? Yes.
I need more activity. I’m afraid of commitment. I need to interact with people. I’m afraid of exposing myself to humiliation. I think my social skills are clunky. I feel always on the verge of some terrible gaffe, after which everyone will turn away and no one will tell me what I did.
That’s the old script again. That’s why my father did. That is over. I’m ok. I can walk through fire. I can feel anything. I do not want to stay in my kitchen. Not all the time anyway. I’m ready to face this. I need a plan for the Fall. It’s time to make a plan. What do I want? That’s what Bob always asks me.
I want to work. I want money. I want to do something I feel good about, am interested in. I want to learn. I really do want to go to college. Is that possible? Yes. I also want to earn money. Is that possible? Yes.
Ok, whew. That’s enough for today. I cranked it out.
Wait — I want to be able to do things that are hard to do. I have not made much progress on my Wish List Project item #1, organizing my stuff, but I have made a little. Now, before I’ve even finished that, I’m adding something else to the list — I want to get out of my kitchen, to work and to school. Yikes! These projects feel HUGE.
But they’re not. They are normal things. People do these things. I am a people. Therefore, I can do them. Here I go.


