I’m sitting here trying to work up the motivation to get some writing jobs done. I’m not hurting for work and I am thankful for that. It means I can continue to stay and home and still make money for my family.
That should be enough motivation to write these articles that I have been hired to write. I need the money and I am glad to be able to stay home while doing this work.
Because honestly, I don’t think I am mentally well enough to work outside the home at this point. I really don’t think I would be functional at a normal day job away from home.
Even just sitting here writing about it is sending my anxiety into overdrive.
I Can’t Leave The House
In general, I don’t leave my house unless I have to. I leave to take the kids to school and to pick them up. I go to the store once a week to get groceries but besides that, I don’t leave the house.
If there is something that needs to be done that requires me to leave the house, I need about a weeks notice in order for me to do it.
It’s not that I am afraid to leave the house. No, that’s not it. I don’t think something bad will happen if I leave. Nothing is going to happen except I will have to interact with people.
I Can’t Fake It Anymore
Frankly, I hate people. I really can not stand to be around people I don’t know. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like dealing with stupid drivers. I don’t like dealing with stupid people.
For example, this weekend at the grocery store, I almost “had words” with 2 little old ladies. The line was moving slow because the register was going slow with processing credit cards.
“This is ridiculous!” One of them said to the other.
“She needs to move faster.” Said the other.
Like the cashier has ANYTHING to do with how fast the machine works. When it was my turn the cashier apologized to me and I told her not to worry. I too have worked in customer service and realize it wasn’t her fault.
Imagine if I had been that cashier? Oh, I don’t think I would have been able to hold back on anyone who complained to me about a machine not working.
My Customer Service Face Is Gone
It’s not that I don’t know how to be courteous. I’ve worked many years in customer service and I am very good at it. I was very good at making customers happy. Because I am good at putting on a happy face.
But not anymore. That happy face is gone from me now. There is no way I can take 8 hours of pretending I am OK with being yelled at.
I don’t want to be around customers and I don’t want to deal with coworkers.
I’ve had many good coworkers in the past that have become good friends. But I’m not looking to make friends anymore. I’m not a good friend and I don’t have the energy to be one.
I am hard to get to know because I don’t open up until I know you can get my humor. It’s dark and cynical and I just don’t have the patience to figure out if people can get it.
I Want To Isolate Myself
Yeah, my mental health is crap and you might say I need to get out of the house more. That being around people would help. No it would not. I need to be in my bubble right now. I need to feel safe.
And home is the only place I feel safe from people who are just going to make me mad. I’m safe from people who are just looking to use me for whatever they can.
I’ve had enough of that from my past and being at home is the only way I feel I can recover. Avoiding people as much as possible gives me the chance to heal from all of that.
So yes, I isolate myself. It’s not hurting anyone. But there is no way I could work outside of the home right now. I wouldn’t be able to do it.
It’s not because I am lazy or because I don’t want to work. It’s because I literally don’t think I can do it.