Member-only story
I’m Terrified For My Little Sister
Will she end up like me?
CW: Mentions of suicide. If you or anyone you know needs help, please call the 988 Helpline or visit their website here.
I remember the day she came home from the hospital. I was only a child myself, but the memory is clear as day. My mother walked through the door with my baby sister in her arms, my father following with a baby carrier. I leapt from my spot on the couch next to my grandmother, and ran over to see the baby. She looked like me. Everyone said so. We had the same eyes, the same smile, the same nose. Once everyone got settled in, my mother asked if I wanted to hold her.
With much more care and gentleness than one would expect of a child my age, I reached out my arms and grabbed onto her. I could hear her small heartbeat through her chest. I knew then that I would do anything for this baby. We fought, of course, as she got older, and sometimes I would wish she’d just leave me alone. But the protective instinct of an older sister never left.
Years later, at 21, I was diagnosed with a condition called schizoaffective disorder. It’s a combination of schizophrenia and a major mood disorder (in my case, that’s depression). But my journey didn’t start at diagnosis. For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve had depressive symptoms. The child that held that baby…
