In Defense of the Self-Diagnosis
I knew I had ADHD before any of my doctors did.
Last week, I finally got a proper ADHD diagnosis.
Even though I’ve written before about my experience with ADHD, my case wasn’t confirmed by a professional until recently, when I called my primary care physician’s office and told them that I’ve been having problems focusing on my work and that I think I might have ADHD.
When I arrived at my appointment, the nurse gave me a form to fill out. Written on it were questions like “How often do you find yourself neglecting to pay attention even when people are speaking directly to you?” and “How often do you need to get up during a task where you’re supposed to sit down and stay focused?”
I answered “very often” to every single one of the twenty-four questions.
Apparently, that brief self-evaluation was enough for my doctor to formally diagnose me with ADHD and write me a Vyvanse prescription.
I’ve taken quizzes online that took longer than that. Of course, while an online quiz isn’t a for-sure diagnosis, it serves the same purpose. In my case, I even answered many of the exact same questions that I’d previously found online.
I’ve suspected that I have ADHD for several years. I’ve had friends with the condition whom I told about my symptoms. Most of them believed wholeheartedly that I had it as well.
In fact, when I told my partner (who also has ADHD) about my recent problems focusing since transitioning to working from home, she said it sounded just like what she went through before she got on medication.
A couple of years ago, I came across a book called You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.
This book changed my life.
It described my brain to a T. Some of the symptoms of ADHD mentioned in this book that fit me, besides the stereotypical problems with concentration, include:
Blurting out
In social situations where I’m comfortable, I have virtually no control over what I say and how loudly I say it. People have learned not to trust me with secrets because I can’t even trust myself with them. Sometimes I would blurt out confidential information and share personal details with complete strangers, especially back when I worked a retail job where I constantly talked with people I didn’t know.
Having a hard time relaxing
Sitting perfectly still for more than a few seconds at a time is nearly impossible. I simply have to fidget.
Remember fidget spinners and fidget cubes? Those things seem to have been made for me personally. Playing with those “toys” actually helps me concentrate on whatever else I may be doing, whether that be reading, watching a movie, or talking on the phone. It seems counterintuitive, but that’s just how my brain works.
Inability to refocus on a new task
If something interrupts me when I’m in the middle of doing something, especially something productive, it takes literally all of my focus for me to get back to the original task. It requires so much energy that it’s downright exhausting. As a result, I get snippy whenever someone interrupts me.
Trouble managing time
I often severely underestimate the amount of time it will take me to accomplish a task. Luckily by now, I have managed to plan out my routine so that I have enough time to actually get started on tasks and inevitably get distracted a little bit.
Friends and family have wondered why I always get up so damn early when I need to be somewhere. Besides simply being a morning person, the truth is that I know my process. I know it takes me longer to get ready than it does most people. I need time to get myself started. If that means I lose an hour of sleep in the morning, then so be it. Better than constantly being late, and losing jobs and damaging relationships.
Inability to tolerate stress
Even low levels of stress make my brain freak out. It doesn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. It sort of loses the basic ability to function, so I essentially just shut down.
Being “clingy”
People with ADHD are generally impatient. Not always, but most of the time. When it comes to developing friendships, we sometimes lack the patience to gradually let a friendship progress. We want to speed up the process and make close friends very quickly.
Oftentimes, that has resulted in people thinking I’m clingy or weird because I want to immediately have a best friend instead of slowly letting the friendship and bonding experience build. Because of this, the friendship can ultimately end up worse than how it started off.
I tend to scare people off, and because of my rejection-sensitive dysphoria associated with ADHD, I feel absolutely worthless afterward. I feel like my heart is shattered. I feel like I’ll never have a meaningful relationship in any capacity. I feel like I lack the necessary skills to communicate with other human beings.
Intensity in relationships
I have a tendency to get overly invested in relationships very quickly and then get bored of them just as quickly. In the beginning, I either scare people away with my “clinginess” or they grow used to the high level of affection that I inevitably fail to deliver after the honeymoon phase is over.
I just hope more than anything that doesn’t happen with the person I end up marrying.
Hyperfocusing
Sometimes when I would study in school, the material would just not sink in, especially when it came to math and its related subjects. But when I was actually interested in the subject, I would hyperfocus, channeling all my concentration into one thing while being unable to lose that focus for hours at a time.
That was the reason I was able to do so well in school. Many times, people with ADHD receive poor grades, but I was mostly a straight-A student because I would hyperfocus on my studies the night before a test or quiz and then ace it.
Not getting around to doing tasks
I have problems with executive dysfunction. Essentially, that means I have trouble “getting around” to doing things.
If a neurotypical person thinks, “I need to clean my apartment,” they can simply get up and start cleaning. My brain, on the other hand, can’t just do it. It’s like I just get stuck somewhere along the way between thinking I need to clean and planning out the steps I need to take to make that happen. My mind simply can’t execute those steps, so I end up not cleaning unless I get hit with a random burst of coffee-fueled inspiration that rarely comes.
When someone asks why my apartment hasn't been cleaned in a while, I come up with long-winded excuses as to why I haven’t gotten around to it. Anything to avoid blaming myself and my own dysfunctional brain.
Inability to filter out background noise
Before Covid-19 struck, I worked in an office that was open, not separated by cubicles. While it was great being able to just talk to my coworkers whenever I wanted, it also meant I had to listen to many other people in the office do the same.
And my brain just couldn't ignore it.
My copywriting position means that I can’t work and chat at the same time. However, some of the other workers could, and they took advantage of that. Even with earbuds in blasting my calming instrumental playlist, I would sometimes still catch snippets of their conversations. Sometimes it would even send me into sensory overload, which would cause me to basically shut down for a few minutes.
Seemingly random interjections
Sometimes in conversations, I will interject with something that seems completely random and unrelated to the topic of discussion.
It’s because while the other person has been talking, my mind has been moving at the speed of light and making ultra-fast connections between the last thing they said. Unfortunately, since they are not privy to what goes on inside my mind, they can’t see the million and one pathways I just made between their last comment and mine. What I said is directly related to what they said; sometimes they just can’t see it unless I explain why.
Does this mean I successfully self-diagnosed? I would say yes. After all, I would not have received a professional diagnosis had I not called my doctor and asked for an ADHD screening based on my own suspicions that arose after I read that book.
I believe that it’s 100% possible to self-diagnose and be absolutely correct about it. Provided you do enough research from credible, academic sources, that is.
There are plenty of reasons why I support self-diagnosis before reaching out to a mental health professional. For one, professional diagnoses are sometimes only available to the privileged.
I’m lucky enough to have decent health insurance through my job. My copay for the appointment was only twenty dollars. If I didn’t have insurance, though, there’s no telling how much I would have ended up paying. Not to mention the fact that my Vyvanse prescription would have likely cost significantly more as well.
I also acknowledge that I’m privileged in many other ways: I’m white, able-bodied, and I appear to be a cisgender woman (even though I’m nonbinary, but I don’t let healthcare workers know that for fear of them discriminating against me).
However, many people in the United States who are noticeably queer, transgender, or people of color may have difficulty finding a mental health professional who will work with them completely free of bias. In addition, people with lower incomes, no health insurance, or less access to transportation often can’t even get in the door to receive a proper diagnosis in the first place.
Another reason I will defend self-diagnosing is this: it can help you accept your mental illness.
When I did some research and found out that I had binge eating disorder, it changed my life. Suddenly there was a whole community of other people who had the exact same problem that I did. No longer did I think that my out-of-control eating was an anomaly that only I suffered from. I was part of something bigger than myself. Once I figured this out, I was able to tell my doctor and seek treatment for it.
Diagnosing yourself can help you realize that you’re not the only one with your problem. I guarantee there are millions of other people out there with your exact mental condition, whether that be depression, ADHD, PTSD, schizophrenia, or what have you. Once you have a name for your mental illness, you can meet other people like you and grow and learn from each other.
Obviously, I recognize that there can be problems with self-diagnosing. Sometimes you can get the diagnosis wrong since there is plenty of misleading information out there on the Internet. You can’t learn everything there is to know about a certain mental illness from simply taking online quizzes and reading articles.
But I think self-diagnosing is a great place to start. If you suspect that you have a certain mental health condition, then reach out to online communities, and talk to other people about their experiences. You may have your suspicions confirmed or denied by speaking with others who have your alleged mental illness. After doing enough research, if you’re able to, call your doctor and ask for some kind of evaluation.
I think it’s important to recognize that a diagnosis is not the end goal of overcoming mental illness. In many cases, finding out what exactly is “wrong” with your brain is only the first step in recovery.
While you may be able to diagnose yourself on your own, chances are you can't truly recover without seeking help from a professional.
The bottom line? If you believe that you have a certain mental health condition, I think it couldn’t hurt to get an assessment from a healthcare professional. That way, you can get help in the form of medication, therapy, or a healthy mix of both.
