In My Shadow
It has taken me many years to admit that there is darkness hindering me from true greatness and happiness
For many years I have lived with my bipolar disorder. Going through my manic phases and just crash into a deep depression. Other emotions are prominent as well that stem from my bipolar. Like my anger. I have learned to deal with each episode as it comes with the help of the medication I take for it. I see my therapist regularly as well.
One day, sitting in with her she turns me on to a prominent psychologist by the name of Carl Jung. He was a Swiss psychologist who was famed for coming up with the terms introvert and extrovert. I had no clue who he was. But as she explained to me that he also came up with the idea of the shadow. Each of us has one. It’s like our alter ego. The shadow resides in our subconscious. The shadow represents the parts of yourself you learned to suppress in childhood. And this is what piqued my interest.
See I was also diagnosed with dissociative amnesia. My brain literally suppressed all those horrible memories from the abuse. I cannot remember anything from my childhood. My shadow was created. My therapist explained that I needed to do some shadow work. Shadow work is working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself.
And I hid a lot. My therapist tried working through these suppressed memories but it just wasn’t enough for her alone to break through. I had to start confronting this darkness, my shadow. For so many years I refused to acknowledge this darker side of me. But I’m doing so I would project into others what I didn’t like about myself.
Carl Jung says,
The shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself” and represents “a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well.”
He also says,
“It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism.
And this is what scares me. My shadow has grown and grown throughout the years and has become darker and darker. It would literally bubble up into my consciousness and into the world. Mainly on those closest to me.
I was self-destructive. I turned to drugs and became an addict that ruled my life for twelve years. I hurt those around me with my actions. I simply did not care. I was masking my pain. Instead of confronting my shadow, I ran from it. And I suffered because of this. My relationship with my daughter was torn apart. And that absolutely broke my heart.
After becoming clean, I now have four years of sobriety under my belt but I still suffer from the pains that have grown inside of me. Those repressed memories still reside in my subconscious, lurking in the darkness. Still boiling over into my life. What manifests now is my anger. Small things trigger my anger and I can’t control it. Even though I am now on medication for my disorders I still feel them. I have never felt true happiness and to tell the truth, I played the victim for many years.
I would pull the poor me card whenever I got the chance. It truly disgusted me. But it was time to turn over a new leaf. I decided I needed to take charge of my life. To finally confront my demons from my childhood trauma. Shadow work does take time. It can be dangerous. One of the dangers that present itself is becoming overwhelmed by intense emotions or traumatic memories. Mind you I have suppressed these memories my whole life.
I have read that it is important to prioritize self-compassion and self-care throughout the process. To reach out to those who can help me. And to talk to my therapist regularly. One of my fears in doing shadow work is the fear of change. For me, change is stepping out of my comfort zone and confronting the unknown. I have absolutely no idea what to expect when doing this. What memories will trigger me? How will I handle the discomfort I am sure to have?
I need to cultivate emotional awareness and acceptance. Self-compassion is a must in this journey and I’ve never been one to have any compassion for myself. But I truly believe that if I’m to overcome my demons, to integrate my shadow to become whole again this is a journey I must take. This quote from Carl Jung struck a chord with me so I’m going to share it.
…this integration [of the shadow] cannot take place and be put to a useful purpose unless one can admit the tendencies bound up with the shadow and allow them some measure of realization — tempered, of course, with the necessary criticism. This leads to disobedience and self disgust, but also to self- reliance, without which individuation is unthinkable.
It has taken me many years to admit that there is darkness hindering me from true greatness and happiness. As a father of two girls, I hope they can see this transformation inside of me and be proud. I’m not just doing this for me, integrating my shadow will improve my relationships as well. This is a journey of self discovery and healing from a childhood wrought with pain. It created my shadow and now I must embrace it and finally learn to love myself.
