JUST ANOTHER DAY
Is morning again. One more day. Get up and get my boys up with lots of kisses and cuddles. I love to kiss them until they don’t want anymore. I love my little ones. My boys sitting at the breakfast bench while I prepare their lunch. I see them, I love them. Maybe I can make it through today. Their dad will pick them up today after school. Good for them, they enjoy their time with their dad more than the time with me. I tear up a bit. Oh no! they can’t see me cry, I am messing up my boys. How can they live with someone like me? They may be better off without me. Oh no! more tears build up inside. I am going to explode.
I smile at them and make funny faces. Hide it please. Now I need to get ready for work. I am getting dressed and look at my self in the mirror, I hate myself, I hate what i see, no wonder nobody loves me, no wonder I am alone. Who would like to be with me?
More tears building up. Right lets keep moving. I drop the kids off to school, I love them, so I kiss them as if it was the last time I was going to see them. Get in the car, and cry. Maybe I wont make it through the day, maybe I wont see them again. How is that going to affect them? One way or another I will mess them up. But everyone dies, get sick....how I wish I would get sick and die, so they don’t have to carry with the stigma of my suicide.
I missed them already, and the weird thing is that when they are with me I feel I can’t cope, I don’t know what to do with them, is like the first day I returned from the hospital with a newborn...how do you do this? what am i supposed to do?
Keep going, get to work, smile, remember to smile. How are you? Good good thanks. Yes that is right, keep the charade.
I am supposed to be really good at my job, and somehow I feel extremely incompetent. Shit, the phone rings, want to hide under the desk..answer. All good, survived that.
Finally home. All I want to do is lay down and cry and wait for my life to end. So I go out for a smoke. I just want to smoke. Good one! you said you were going to quit. that is you, failing in everything you do. Want to die, but even that I have failed in my previous attempts. Not even that. You suck.
Smoke some more. Well no wonder you are alone, no wonder nobody loves you. What a waste of space. The only thing that matters to me is my kids, but they will be better off without me. I am sure they don’t love me as much as they love their dad. I am sure eventually I will be the one to blame for all the fuck-ups. People like me shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.
I just want this to end. All this loud chatter in my head. All this unbearable pain, please make it stop. It feels like I have daggers instead of blood running through my veins.
Nice sunset. And here I am unable to enjoy it. I have managed to ruin all my life. I wasted more than 30 years because I have been in this dark hole. I see a beautiful flower...and think, well soon someone will stand on it. That is it.
I haven’t been able to enjoy anything, to be loved (who is going to love me!). So is too late. I don’t want to continue. What is the point? Is too much effort to survive a day, one more day. I want to close my eyes and never wake up. But is only wishful thinking.
Finally I have smoked everything and have cried until my eyes are dry. Better go to bed. I have to keep the charade another day and hope or not I survive it.
