Isolation is a killer

A bloody sneaky one too.

Wish I had a beach to sit and stare longingly from.

I didn’t realize how lonely I felt until I was sat here, bawling my eyes out, because my boyfriend hadn’t texted me back. In 15 minutes.

I’ve been busy. I’ve been working hard for weeks. I’ve been stressed and isolated in my work and it’s amazing how much it’s affected me without me even properly noticing.

I guess it’s little things isn’t it, getting out of bed a little later every day. My duvets’ grasp gets tighter and my pillows seem to have acquired a magnetic property which keeps me tethered to them.

I’m definitely more irritable. I’ve managed to develop road rage despite being unable to drive. Pavement rage. Pedestrian pessimism. Onlooker outrage. It’s really quite incredible, a real skill to get annoyed at drivers whilst walking next to traffic that you’re actively not a part of.

Healthy eating. Can you believe that I started out this week with a chicken salad for lunch with fish and potatoes for dinner? Today…I have had brownies for breakfast and I’m considering two pizzas for dinner. (It’s a two for one deal, and as I’ve mentioned I’m lonely so I have nobody to share the second one with.)

The gym. The gym is a graveyard of my earlier productivity. I was running kilometer after kilometer, nailing squat after squat. I even did crunches. I never crunch. Today, I spent 4 hours trying to persuade myself to go the gym..I made it as far as the kitchen…which is where I retrieved the previously mentioned brownies.

Things are really stressful and not having anyone to talk to is making it so much worse. When there’s nobody around to talk to, it’s easier to believe that nobody would notice if I just disappeared. Which makes it easier for darker thoughts that haven’t reared their ugly head in a while wriggling their way back into my mind.

It’s been rough.