It’s Okay to Not Be Okay: Tips for Families in 2020
Recommendations from a family therapist for supporting yourself and your family during 2020.
Is anyone else thinking, “How is it June already?”. I know I am. The last 6 months have been a rollercoaster of changes and I do not think this ride is ending anytime soon. Let’s hope I’m wrong, but if I’m not, here are tips on how to support yourself and your family during 2020.
Talk About What’s Going On
Kids know something big is happening and will eventually figure out what it is. Do not wait for them to figure this out on their own. They might encounter incorrect information or the information or images they discover might create trauma. Educate yourself and educate your children.
To start the conversation, ask your child what they know. Once they talk about what they know, ask them if they have any questions. Answer their questions truthfully in an age-appropriate manner. Informing your kids will help them feel empowered, and when kids are empowered, they develop resilience.
A CNN article by Sandee LaMotte provides guidelines for talking with kids about the riots and protests.A piece by the Mayo Clinic staff provides tips on talking with your kids about COVID-19.
Allow Room For Grief
This year has been hard. Acknowledge this. Many of us are grieving. This may surprise you, but grief is possible even without physically losing someone. HelpGuide states that:
“Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming”.
We all lost something or someone this year. I lost my sense of feeling safe in public. I also lost hours of face to face time with family and friends. What have you and your family lost?
Grief stirs up many difficult and unexpected emotions. It’s how it works. The pain of grief stretches further than emotions and can affect physical health which can make it hard to sleep, eat, or think straight. This is normal.
Start a conversation with your children to see how they feel. If your child does not like to talk, encourage them to draw a picture or write a song. Comfort and validate your child’s experience through empathizing. Show vulnerability and join them in embracing the pain and discomfort of what they feel. This will normalize their experience.
Younger children will process their feelings through play. A good friend of mine recently told me her child wanted to build a trap to catch COVID-19. She said she reminded her son they cannot physically catch the virus but said they still pretended because he needed to process his feelings. This is a beautiful example of how to meet your child where they are to help them process emotions.
Do not forget to take care of yourself. Talk with a partner or friend about your grief and emotions. You deserve a space to process your feelings and acknowledging your feelings will help your kids cope. Be patient with yourself and your family. Grief is tricky and shows up when we least expect it.
Be Flexible
Flexibility is a superpower. As a family therapist, I regularly witness the transformative properties of flexibility within families. Albert Einstein once said,
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change”.
I could not agree more. Change can be hard, but flexibility and acceptance create happiness. This is not easy but the adjustments work.
Consider the students who missed out on ‘traditional’ graduation this year. Many families and communities have made adjustments to help celebrate their achievements. For example, in my hometown (Park City, Utah), the community created a program called Adopt A Park City Senior. The idea behind the program was to have community members adopt seniors and send words of encouragement and presents. The program was a hit. I can only imagine how much happiness our community brought to the seniors.
Make the most out of the present moment. Part of making the most out of the moment involves managing expectations. This ties back to grief. If you are having a hard time letting go of certain expectations, lean into grief.
For example, maybe you expected to run your first 5k with your daughter but it was canceled. Instead of focusing on what you cannot do, focus on what you can do. For example, you both can wait and run a race next year, you can run a virtual 5k, or you can create your own. There are many ways to adjust and manage expectations. Find what works for you and your family and repeat it.
Have Fun
Stress is at an all-time high. A recent study found nearly half of Americans reported COVID-19 is harming their mental health. This poll was completed before the riots and protests, and I expect this number has increased. Also, a federal emergency hotline for people in emotional distress registered a more than 1,000 percent increase in April compared with the same time last year. Recent suicide rates also surged above previous years.
We are hurting and many people are not addressing the hurt.
When adults hurt, kids do too. Kids are a sponge for their parents’ emotions. This means families are hurting. It is normal to hurt in times of crisis. Please do not get lost in the hurt. You and your family deserve better.
Make time for fun. Spend time together as a family to decrease stress. Did you postpone your vacation plans? Have a staycation instead. Make it special by visiting new places or camping in the backyard. Can’t visit the pool this year? Have a family water balloon fight instead. Get creative while having fun. As you start to focus on all the fun things your family can do together, your stress will decrease and your connection with them will strengthen.
Check out a WebMD article by Dr. Dan Brennan for ideas on how to have fun as a family.
Focus on Values
Through my work, I have seen unhappiness arise in families who are not living by their values. Brittany Gronewald, the author of Embracing Family Values states,
“Part of the reason values are so important to families is they can provide a sense of hope and meaning or significance to family members, especially when facing challenges and crisis situations…Values are important also because they provide a foundation as a source of protection, guidance, affection, and support”.
Values are one of the many facets which make each family unique. What does your family value?
My family values connection. I feel most connected with my family when we spend quality time together. My husband usually travels for work but since he’s been home, we have connected through hiking with our 8-month-old son. On our hikes, we’ve deepened our relationship through meaningful conversations.
Focusing on my values helped me process recent events. It also supported my grieving process. While connection is important to my family and me, it might not be the most important thing for you and your family. Talk with your family to see what is important to them. Once you discover your family’s values, incorporate them into daily life.
We will not forget 2020. There have been so many highs and lows. Permit yourself to experience the highs and lows and within the highs and lows take care of yourself and your family. Sit in the discomfort of hard moments and aid in supporting your family when needed. Remind yourself and your family that it’s okay to not be okay, and together, we will get through this.
