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I’ve Accepted That I’ll Never Just ‘Be Happy’ And It’s The Biggest Relief
Life with a side order of mental illness
A relief, that’s what it felt like to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my early twenties. I had spent almost a decade struggling with my mental health, and finally, I had a diagnosis, an explanation, a lens through which to understand myself. Easier said than done, as I didn’t make much sense to anyone, let alone myself. I sat across from a therapist and listened as she explained this unknown disorder to me. She confirmed that other people feel the same way I do. I wasn’t alone in this.
That relief quickly faded when I learned more about my shiny new label and discovered that it’s considered ‘uncurable.’ BPD is most commonly a lifelong disorder. It is treatable, but it won’t go away the same way that some other disorders or illnesses may. It will always be there, and it will always pop up when you least expect it, or when triggered by life events.
Some believe it lessens in your early fifties, usually in correlation to menopause, but that was decades away at the moment of my diagnosis. All that relief was gone and replaced by a sense of dread. I was suddenly facing a life sentence. Even though my depression and anxiety (which turned out to be symptoms of the BPD) had felt…
