Letting Go and Moving On
For me, one of the hardest parts about coming to terms with my mental health disorder, OCD, and the self medication that I used to treat it for many years is forgiving myself and understanding what it all means in the Big Picture. One of the frequent thought spirals I go through is trying to understand how I fit in with the rest of the world morally. My substance abuse, what could probably be called an addiction, drove me to things I regret like nothing else.
I was stealing, lying, and completely crafting this second parallel, depraved life alongside the clean cut, well put-together one that the rest of the world saw. I gave way to impulsive behavior, acting on my worst instincts, simply because I saw opportunities. When I could have thought about something before acting, I wouldn’t and didn’t. When I wasn’t under the influence, a lot of my free time was spent thinking about how to procure substances. When I couldn’t get any, I would turn to other addictive habits like pornography or gambling.
I do not mean to make it sound as if I did not have control. I did, or at least I had enough to willingly let myself give way to my addictions. I still try to understand the pieces, and occasionally fall into the trap of trying to fit them all together into a cohesive picture. There probably isn’t one to put together, and if there is, I am not sure that a complete understanding really matters towards any end.
Even when I was not under the influence, or thinking about my next rush, whatever it may be, my worldview became what could only be described as nihilistic. Spending so much time anxious and worn out and depressed and then high sucked a lot of the color out of life. All around me I saw people who could cope, and I knew that even though it may have appeared that I could, I simply couldn’t.
But instead of wallowing in shame all the time, I embraced my addictive impulses. It helped me justify my behavior as a kind of hedonism. I have been vulnerable to pretension, and putting a philosophical varnish over my behavior made it easier for me to excuse.
Ultimately, I am proud of nothing I did during that time. How I thought, how I felt, and how I acted feel like barbed arrowheads lodged in my conscience. I have learned that the more I struggle to pull them out, the more damage I cause. Instead, its almost as if I have to push them through. After all, if you’re going through Hell, keep on going. Or something like that, at least.
The truth is, I cannot undo anything. I can only apologize, ask what I can do to make amends or prove that I have changed to those I slighted, and then move on. And, of course, understand how to ensure I never fall into such a hole again. It may not feel like enough at times, but it really is all that can be done.
As a part of this, it is likely that some people will forgive you. It may be hard for you to accept their forgiveness. Do not confuse your inability to forgive yourself, which will not last forever, with a lack of thought existing behind someone else’s apology. I doubted if others should have forgiven me, but his was a useless, sadistic exercise. They forgave me, and given the gravity of things, they did think about the meaning of forgiveness. To question that is to condescend. Do not let them down, but move on. This was one of the hardest things to deal with for me, but it has been an important step in moving forward.
For me, things have been complicated by the fact that I struggle with OCD, which, if you read through my other posts, you will see latched onto the way I acted during my substance abuse. As I recover from my most recent bout of OCD, I understand more and more how my obsessive and compulsive tendencies clouded my mind and distorted reality for the worse.
I have also had to come to terms with how reality was distorted in a more fundamental way. Stuck in a cycle of trying to confess away the anxiety I felt from all my guilt (which, in typical OCD fashion, worked less and less well with each successive episode), I think I began to apply that logic to how forgiveness and the rest of the world actually worked. Whether or not I wanted to admit it, I wanted to undo the past, or at least imitate doing so. But what happened in the past is neither here nor there, and any such effort is in vain. Though I told myself I understood the gravity of confession, apology, and (hopefully) forgiveness, I didn’t. I took it for granted in the beginning, especially when I first began to treat my OCD following my diagnosis.
After coming to terms with all of this, I have only become more appreciative of forgiveness and apology. I do genuinely believe I have changed the way I am. And I also know that that can change for the worse again if I let it. But whereas before I doubted whether or not people can change in the past, I now take it as fact. I think I have to take it as a fact for my own recovery. If I don’t, I negate any chance I have of moving on. If I do, I must also believe that others can change, and adjust my own understanding of human nature accordingly. If you are reading this, I hope that you can, like me, accept the latter of the two.
It has been anything but an enjoyable process, but I know that every day I get closer and closer to forgiving myself and moving on. It is not easy, but it is necessary. I have much more to give the world outside of these past years, and I intend on doing so to the best of my ability.
I write these pieces as a part of that process. While a lot of this writing is surely helpful in my own recovery, I also hope that it can be helpful to others. Most people do not want to admit their flaws and mistakes, and that is fine. It is not my job or your’s to make them confess and change their ways. But a fact of addiction is that addressing your past is key to not repeating it. I have taken steps to do so, but it has never been an easy process. Nevertheless, it is a worthwhile one. I hope that my pieces can be a resource to others in a similar position to me, as many are not open about the mistakes they have made in the past. Just know that you are not alone, and in the grand scheme of things, you likely have much more good and joy to give to this world.
For the sake of yourself and those that you love, you must come to terms with your past and your inability to change it. If you cannot find motivation to do so for yourself, find it from others. If others can forgive, so can you.
-M.M.
