Living With a Mood Disorder

My mood swings have taught me that happiness and sadness can co exist. That you can have a breakdown, feel unable to breathe, panic but be happy later.

Naked Thoughts Journal
Nov 4 · 3 min read

Like many others, the struggle with mood swings made me focus on the negative. I highlighted the bad sides and ignored the good ones.

A common problem is that when you show a slight form of happiness, people assume that your pain is over, that you are good. As if people with mental health issues are gloomy all the time. We think in extremes and for the longest I was part of this lot.

Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash

When i experienced a light weight, I clinged to it so badly and would say things like “I’m healed- I’m better now” and then when my swings hit again, i thought of it as relapses- I’d hate it, i would think that all my past happiness has been erased and that I waste time with the constant self love and self care practices that seem to flee when eagerly needed.

I’d even take it to the extreme and think that I intentionally make myself sad. When you try to search ways to get better, you get articles headlined “get rid of your anxiety forever, how to never get mood swings again, alter your thoughts for a better reality” etc, and personally, i feel as if such articles paint the picture that only black and white exist. That you are either full time super happy and great or that you are doomed in misery.

Life has way too many grey areas for this to be the case.I feel like i am in the grey when it comes to this.

My mood swings have taught me to love myself. We all need people that show up for us constantly, I feel like a burden when i reach out for help so I’ve learned to create routines that make me better when riddled with anxiety. My routine is that I read- i must go to a book shop to clear my space out, i browse through books and eventually when I find 2 books i foresee enjoying I take them. I post a lot on social media to get attention, we demonize the whole concept of searching for attention but really as someone with anxiety what I’m looking for is to see that someone does care about me enough to reach out, because i am afraid to do the reaching out myself.

My mood issues are not there to punish me, they are there to remind me to be slow, to care for myself on a deeper and intense level.

I’m happy and sad. I’m both of these because life in other parts is going absolutely amazing and I cant help it but feel grateful for it. I was angry at myself for still being in the blues even when i see a glimpse of career success or even when i witness my friendships become stronger but i have learned that i can’t help what my emotions do to me- i can only change the meaning i assert to them. Some things don’t go away- we just learn to live with them.

For anyone going through a mood disorder. Its difficult — please be kind to yourself when they hit- allow them to pass through, don’t fight it because it will only make it harder. The swing either leads you to sunshine or to a storm. When you are in sunshine — make the most out of it. Capitalize on it- do the things you absolutely love! Don’t contain it. Both the storm and sunshine are valid parts of who you are. Make the best of both. Both of them serve a purpose.

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Naked Thoughts Journal

Written by

An anxious girl trying to understand her emotions and thoughts, I’m Here to bleed and heal on paper.

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

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