Looking Back

Source Artist: Megan — Elisabeth

I wrote something anonymously on Reddit because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do if you don’t want to disclose who you are. Well, looking back — I love the person that I was. I am not ashamed of him. There was nothing to be ashamed about. So, I am putting a face on my words, I don’t have to hide anymore.

<TRIGGER>

I’ve been writing this down for a while and watering it down to be more socially acceptable and less embarrassing. I’ve heard, good things have been happening to people and I’m sorry if this will make it rain on you too.
Will I die today? This question is very familiar to me. It’s as familiar as the maps of the video games I frequently escape to when I feel inadequate and empty. Fortunately, I have been asking myself this question for so many years and so far, the answer is always NO. I saw my dreams, hopes and happiness crumble in front of me. Waking up each day means putting on my mask made of artificial happiness, smiles and pretensions. I hate myself, I hate the people around me, I hate the sound and smell of life that’s clinging on my broken spirit. Oh, my sweet pretentious existence. I HATE EVERYTHING and I WANT TO DISAPPEAR. I WANT TO DIE.
When I tell you I am too busy to meet you, to attend celebrations and get togethers ALL I HAVE TOLD YOU WERE Lies. The truth is, I can’t get out of the house because my depression pulls me back to my bed. Planning means, enumerating “more important” things that I should do. Planning means conditioning my mind for so many days why I should go and honestly, it’s very tiring. I am always afraid to be happy to celebrate even for a while. Because the slightest feeling of joy always comes with a strong hint of guilt, as if happiness is only meant for a few people. It disgusts me.
There are good days though. Days when I feel I can do everything. I accept every contract I can and work non stop and only sleep 4 hours a day. These days are the happiest. I want to make everyone happy. I want to give away everything I have because I can’t contain the happiness in my heart and I want everyone to feel it too. And then, the happiness stops. My world starts crumbling again. I will drop everything, play my video games and weep. I feel inadequate, I feel sad, I feel everyone hates me and laughs at me. I’m miserable and the only escape is death.
Think of happy thoughts. Be positive. Change your perspective. I’ve heard all of these and I wish there’s a switch connected to my brain that changes my negative thoughts to positive ones. Believe me, I’ve tried. How do you think I cope with daily shit if I haven’t?
How can I be happy when I can’t find genuine happiness? How can I be happy when my looks always falls short for people to treat me with kindness? How can I be happy when I can’t keep a job because the stress gets into me so strongly and staying means nervous breakdowns and sleepless nights?
I may look tough, happy and content to you, but all of those are facade. Perhaps, there are so many of you out there like me. We just cope with our fears and sadness in different ways. I chose to hide from the people that I truly care about. I chose to welcome my fears and let it consume my life. I watched silently as my life disintegrate piece by piece. But I am still clinging to the thought that maybe, just maybe things would get better. I am still waiting for the rain to stop pouring on me, but to be honest I am almost drowning and I need help.

If you are feeling helpless, if you feel like trapped in your moment. Seek help. Be vocal about it. Don’t let your demons silence you into oblivion.

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