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The Weight of Shame and The Lingering Impact of My Father’s Traumatic Death
When a PTSD nightmare becomes a reality
“I can’t bring myself to do anything, Mom. The worst part is that Brendon has been so kind and supportive. You would think that’s a good thing, but it just makes me feel worse. I don’t feel like I deserve it!”
After a long pause, my mom finally said, “He’s gone now, honey. You can let that shame go.”
Throughout my life, my father and I have gone years without speaking before reconnecting, only to repeat the process. He hated himself, but since I’m a spitting image of him, it was easy for him to aim his abhorrent behavior at me instead. No one sees that clearly when they’re drunk, anyway.
He probably didn’t remember many of the things he said to me, but I am not so fortunate to forget.
Foretelling
During the summer of 2022, I learned that dreams can traumatize you.
When I found myself in the dreamscape version of Colorado Springs, Colorado, I knew that whatever was coming would be unsettling. There is no street in that city without a trigger lying around somewhere.
I was in a dimly lit restaurant, choosing toppings for a pizza. When I reached the end of the line, I…
