Member-only story
My Fifth Fatherless Father’s Day
What holidays are like four years into loss
I wish I could remember what I did for my dad on our last Father’s Day. Since my son was born, we would spend Father’s Day as our unit of three: my son, my husband, and me. But I would always call my dad, and I typically get my dad a Father’s Day gift to give him the next time I see him. I don’t remember what I gave him that year. If anything.
I did not know that it would be his last Father’s Day, so I did not know to mark it in my memory. It just blended into the rest. Kind of like how you know there is a last time you carried your child, but you did not know at the time that it was the last, so you did not realize the importance and cannot actually place it in your memory.
Father’s Days are hard to get through when you don’t have a dad. I wanted to celebrate my husband and stepdad, but it was too much. I texted my stepdad. “Happy Father’s Day, hoser. I love you.”
But I couldn’t call. As much as I know my dad would not feel this way himself, and he would especially never want me to feel this way, it feels a little like acknowledging my stepdad is a slight against my dad.
I did not feel that way before he died. When he was alive, I bought presents and cards for both, as well as for both my mom and stepmom on…
