My Relationship With Suicide

I have wanted to die numerous times in my young life. I’ve been depressed since 8th grade, when I switched schools. I thought about death like someone thinks about a tropical vacation — well, that would be nice, but I could never actually go.

My relationship with suicide became more solid before high school ended. I was in counseling the first semester of my senior year, and it was really helping. Then something bad happened. For the second semester, I was miserable.

I promised myself that if the world didn’t end in 2012, and things still weren’t looking up, that I could go ahead and kill myself.

Then I went to college and I started feeling a lot more hopeful about my future. I was still pretty depressed, especially after I got two-timed by two consecutive assholes. After the second one, in my second semester, I started taking anti-depressants. I also made a bucket list — I realized there were things I wanted to do before I finished my time on earth.

But sometimes, in my dark times, I still fantasized about death.

Lately, I still do, but our relationship is more solid again. Life is hard. And sometimes you get tired of struggling. So tired that sleeping forever sounds nice.

So why haven’t I offed myself yet?

The number one reason is that I have student loans that I only received with the help of a generous cosigner, who would be stuck with my remaining loans if I died.

The number two reason is the people in my life that I would miss, and that would miss me. I care more about these people than I care about myself.

But maybe someday, I’ll be so miserable that I’ll put myself first, and out of my misery.

And the bucket list? On my dark days, it’s more of a list of things to do right before suicide. Like going to see an aurora borealis the night before I jump off a cliff in a flying squirrel suit.

But I stay. Things aren’t bad enough to hurt my loved ones and give up on every dream I haven’t tried yet.

I just hope that things won’t get bad enough, so that my reasons to stay will still be good enough.