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My ROCD is Killing Me
Whether It’s ROCD or Relationship Anxiety, I Can’t Take It
All I wanted was for someone to love me and somewhere to put my love. All I wanted was to hold and be held, send stupid little pictures to each other, and blush every time their face popped into my head. Now, my brain feels like it’s about to burst. Ever since I started my most recent relationship, I’ve been unfortunately and closely acquainted with ROCD and/or relationship anxiety.
I’m aware that ROCD is contentious as it’s not a formal diagnosis, but to me, it doesn’t matter what it’s called. Every article I’ve seen about ROCD and relationship anxiety fits me and while it’s nice to put a name to the beast, it doesn’t change what I’m feeling.
I thought it was normal, the way I would obsess dreamily over my ex when we were together and lie depressedly catatonic on my bed until they answered my text. Never having been in a relationship before, I assumed my all-consuming infatuation with them was not just a side effect of the oxytocin rushing through my system but real, undying love. It wasn’t until they dumped me out of the blue that I believe I developed a fear response to love.
I spent a summer getting over them while my friend encouraged me to go on a date with one of his friends. For the longest time, I put it off, saying I wasn’t…
