My Struggles With Feeling Secure

I’ve always been what people may refer to as Lazy.

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

Now, that being said, I make jokes about being lazy and have the appearance of having accepted that trait about myself. However, between you and me, that isn’t really the word I would use to describe myself. Personally, I see myself as someone who understands that life is short, and who wants to keep their own happiness as the main priority. Which I see nothing wrong with, by the way.

Especially as I’ve grown older and keeping myself at a certain level of happiness and contentment has only become more and more difficult. Whether it was from dealing with more complex relationships, my own mental issues, or from things happening around me that I have little control over.

(I know some people will say that you have control over your own life and if you don’t like something, that you can change it… That is absolutely not true. Whether in your youth or as you grow in maturity, there are going to be things about your circumstances that you just can’t change. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s more just… life. Reality.)

Regardless, keeping yourself happy and feeling perfectly content with your life is difficult, particularly as you get older and are exposed to more of the realities of this world. I know it hit me hard. But, as a nineteen-year-old girl who is currently job hunting, trying to fulfill my dream of becoming a writer career-wise, and who is sitting with $6 in her bank account… it can start to nag at you.

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My other friends and boyfriend are in college full time or are in school while also juggling a part-time job. Luckily none of them have their own places yet (Am I a bad person for saying that?) so I’m not too far behind. But, they’re also getting a degree so you can make what you will of that in terms of success. (I can rant about college for days as I personally have my own feelings on it but that’s not what this is about.)

Now, logically, I am aware that I’m not doing bad and that I’m not being lazy.

I am very much aware that I am doing things and trying to make everything work.

(Of course, it would be easier if these jobs WOULD ACTUALLY CALL ME BACK!)

I am aware that I’m actually pursuing my dream by writing and actually putting my work on Medium.

I am aware that I’m trying to be healthier and become more and more confident with myself.

Trust me, I am very much aware.

But, that doesn’t stop the thoughts:

Should I be doing more?

Should I be trying harder?

Should I have gone to college and just picked something to study?

Should I just give up on writing?

Is all of this for nothing?

How far behind am I?

Now, let me make this clear.

I am never going to stop writing. Even if I get two views and am making nothing, I will still continue writing because I love it to death. Both as something I do in my own free time and as something I wanna make a living off of. BUT, sometimes I get these thoughts as I sit alone in my room, hunched over a computer or my phone, reading or writing and always thinking.

I can never stop thinking, my brain is always moving and going and it always frustrates me whenever someone who literally knows nothing about me looks at me and judges me. Whether it’s a coworker from my mom or even just dumb tweets on Twitter that hit a little too close to home and my own insecurities.

It’s the idea that just because I’m always in my room that I’m doing nothing. That I’m just sitting around eating my mom’s food and being lazy, with no intention of ‘bettering’ myself by going to college or at least getting a job.

Meanwhile, that is literally the farthest thing from the truth.

I look for jobs almost every night. The only thing is that I know myself. I know how I think and how I feel and what I like. So, I know I don’t want to work in a grocery store as they’re always busy. I also know I don’t want to work fast food. Basically, anything involving food, I’m not about. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just not my thing. So, I look for jobs that fit my criteria and that are in my area as I don’t drive and I need something close enough where either my mom can take me or I can catch a ride from someone or through something like Uber or Lyft. And sometimes there are jobs and sometimes there aren’t. I’m still looking, is the thing.

And just to get it out of the way, I didn’t go to college because there was nothing I wanted to study. And anything I have even the slightest interest in would take forever before I have the opportunity to even make a job out of it, assuming I’m able to find a job in my city within my field of study. Too many objectives to think about; nothing worth me trying to fight over.

Plus, I’m actually pursuing my dream here by writing. I write almost every day and I read every day. It’s one of the few things that actually makes me happy these days and I hold onto it with a vice grip. And I’m making progress which is the thing, no matter how small it is.

So, no. I’m not just doing nothing. I’m aware of that to my corse.

But then, why do I have these thoughts that plague me?

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It’s clear that my mind is just screwing with me, as I know with 100% certainty that I’m doing pretty darn decent in my endeavors. But, the thoughts persist.

And it’s frustrating.

But, there is some good news that I have for you. Just to make this all a little less depressing.

I have found ways to combat this and some of them may be cheesy but eh, it works for me.

1. I talk to my mom. She’s so proud of me for actually pursuing my dream and she knows that I’m always trying to get ahead and make things work. She’s my #1 supporter and whenever I’m feeling upset, I know I can go to her.
2. I take a step back. If I’m feeling anxious about my monetary situation, I’ll go to this list of websites I have on my computer that I can make actual money from and I do something on there. Or, as a deterrent, I have apps on my phone that I can do to try and gain some kind of profit just so my bank account is always rising to some degree every week.
3. Distractions. To help drown out those thoughts I listen to music super loud. Sure, it’s probably not good for my eardrums but it still helps me nonetheless. Plus, I have this kind of puzzle app on my phone that, should I start feeling a certain kinda way, I can just whip it out and focus a good part of my brain to doing that. It works for me, what can I say.
4. I turn my frustrations into something healthy. I mentioned earlier that another thing I’ve been working on is me attempting to be a healthier human being overall. So, if I’m starting to feel that certain way, I may get up and go for a 40-minute walk on the treadmill with music or a YouTube video playing. Or, I go to the kitchen and practice a new healthy recipe or make myself a healthy snack. It distracts me, makes me a bit happier, and helps me health-wise as well.

Now, is this a foolproof solution to my insecurities? Oh no, not at all. But, it allows me to at least focus on something and be able to get myself out of a funk within the day.

I do think I’m getting better as when I first graduated it was worse. Now, as I said before, I’m at least attempting to make things work for me which is more than some others can say. Plus, I have my own coping mechanisms, as listed above. And I think that, as I keep myself focused and going, that I can one day be completely satisfied and complete with my life choices and can be rendered completely secure.

But, that’s something for the future.

For now… I’m just trying to get a company to actual email or call me back, haha.

Wish me luck!

(And I wish you all luck in whatever avenue you’re attempting to walk through. Perseverance is key. I know that now.)