Numbing Pain with Pain

Oliver Xu
Oliver Xu
Nov 4 · 3 min read

Reflection on my concussion:

Boxing is a dangerous sport no doubt about it. I recently picked up boxing and I have been training daily for more than a month now. The first day I picked up boxing, I fell in love with the sport. When I train for boxing, nothing else in the world matters. I am consumed by the present as I give 100% focus to punching, slipping, bobbing, ducking, jump roping and sparring. Because I fell in love with boxing, I gave myself a goal to train for a fight. I go to the gym for at least 3 hours a day working on fitness, technique, and strength. I never realized how much work it would take but it is satisfying work. It gives me something to look forward to every day and frankly, it is one of the main reasons I’m driven to stay alive. I have a goal now and I will do anything to achieve that goal. I want to have a fight and I want to punish my opponent. Every day when I hit the heavy bag, I imagine that as my opponent I’m trying to beat.

The dangerous part comes with sparring and actually fighting. Because I’m small, I usually end up sparring against people who are bigger than me. I realized that I have the fight of a winner but that can be dangerous to my physical health. I love to trade punches as I trust that my punches will hurt the opponent more and I will eat punches without flinching. When I am in the ring, I become a different animal. I am consumed by my anger toward myself and the world and I take this anger out on my opponent. I will take repetitive hits to send a message to my opponent that their punches are weak and won’t hurt me. I have a heart that was built for the ring yet our human bodies aren’t designed to take such punishment. Right now, I am pretty concussed from sparring. I’m not mad though because physical pain doesn’t really bother me. Instead, I’m mad at myself for not protecting myself from the right cross which just means I have to work harder to get better. Doctors tell me to find another sport to get into but I just stare at them and ask, “what do you know about me?” I’ve been taking punishment since birth yet I’m still alive. This is the sport built for me and this is the sport that is slowly killing me yet keeping me alive at the same time. Without boxing, I wouldn’t be happy but without boxing, I would not be taking repetitive head blows. To me, physical pain is nothing compared to mental pain and I’ve been through a lot of mental pain. That is why I love making physical contact and proving to my opponent and everyone around me that I am physically and mentally stronger than everyone.

I don’t have much to lose, so that is why I’m going to be such a great fighter. I really don’t give a fuck about my physical body and I really don’t care much about life. When I’m in the ring, I’m willing to die in the ring, in fact, I’d rather die in the ring than lose in the ring. That is why I’m going to be a winner because as they say, “the most dangerous man to fight is the man who feels like he has nothing to lose.”

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

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