“JUST THE FACTS MA’AM!”
Observing, and Recording the facts of PTSD symptoms helps-A chapter from my upcoming Memoir

I think it’s great for those of us with panic/anxiety, trauma or C-PTSD issues to not take it so damn serious and personal all the time.
It helps to NOTICE and OBSERVE by staying a bit more detached and impersonal(?) to what happens within my body and my mind when a panic attack hits me.
Like an investigative reporter I stop and write it all down now. I take notes on the symptoms, in a clinical way.
Hey, Just the Facts Maam.
I’ve always written in a journal and documented my ‘symptoms’.
Even way back in my 20s when I had one of my first panic attacks on stage in Las Vegas. I was in a big production show. It was in front of over 2,000 people and it was DAMN freaky, embarrassing, and baffling.
I wrote feverishly about ‘what happened’ in my journal. I took notes on it like a doctor had asked me ‘sooo tell me what happened?’
It has always been something I’ve done to understand and hopefully comes to terms with myself and this panic stuff.
I still do this.
Here is what I wrote about one of my first panic attacks. It’s a chapter from my upcoming Memoir about my life in showbiz (yet to be named):
WELCOME TO THE AUDITION- Excerpt from upcoming Memoir- Chapter 9

SCARED SHITLESS
SO, THE TALENT AGENT NAMED CASEY FIELDS talked me into going down to the Imperial Palace on the Las Vegas strip, for my first audition as Barbra Streisand.
We walked in to the showroom which was dripping in red and black paisley velvet and gaudy chandeliers. It felt immediately intimidating to me. There were elegant cushiony spacious booths and a massive stark stage. It had nothing on it but a single couch which made it look even more huge.
Casey the agent then introduced me to Nelson Foster, a kind Hugh Hefner looking classy dude. He was muscular, had a very chiseled handsome face and a clipboard of some kind in his hand.
Although he was not young, maybe in his 50s I could tell he was quite the studly guy in his youth. He had the kindest most playful blue eyes that comforted me immediately. And, a sincere warm smile. His presence put me at ease.
He said,” I am the co-producer of the show. Welcome to the audition for Legends in Concert, Michelle. Make yourself comfortable back stage. John Stuart, the producer will be ready for you in just in a few minutes!”.
I thought, “Ohhhh, soon I’ll have to walk up on this massive intimidating stage and I’ll be getting judged? OH noooo!!
I felt true terror.

Being judged was something I had always found frightening because of all my perfectionism issues. Although I could sing well and with gusto, with my band or when I was alone, when I was thrown into an unknown intimidating situation sometimes my panic would take me over and take me down.
The voices in my head started talking to me, hounding me. Maybe the voices of all the school bullies and my own ‘bullies’ in my head were conspiring inside my brain.
I was bombarded with fearful thoughts. All the awful scenarios of doubt began.
‘What if my voice couldn’t pull out the high notes?’ (There were a few very hard high notes in the two audition songs I chose, Don’t rain on my Parade and People).
‘What if I didn’t know where to walk, where to stand or how to move on stage?’ I knew that I could sing the songs but the whole stage presence thing I didn’t have much experience with.
“What if I looked stupid or didn’t act confident enough or let my insecurities show?’
“My mouth feels dry. OHNO. When my mouth is dry I can’t sing properly!”
My heart sank, and my hands were trembling and vibrating. It felt a bit like getting ready to go up against a firing squad.
That’s how terrifying it felt.
Also, I knew I couldn’t use my guitar in the audition (which had been my security blanket for all these years). Streisand didn’t play guitar. Normally I was on a stage singing my own songs, standing behind a guitar or sitting on a stool with a guitar, but now I was being thrown up on an intimidating huge stage. Bear and naked I felt. UGH. I wanted to throw up!
Then Nelson Foster kindly handed me a microphone as I was pacing back stage. He asked me to test it to see if it was ‘live’.
“You can walk out on the stage now Michelle. John Stuart is ready for you”.
To me it felt like ‘the KING will now decide if you will be beheaded or not from a Greek Tragedy.’
My memory of this whole day is a bit vague, but I recall I walked out on the lonely stage and saw a huge blinding spot light in my face. I put my hands up to my forehead looking around with a slight squint in my eye.
I saw just two heads, two silhouetted heads, sitting out in the almost empty theater. Two guys with paper and pencil in their hands. UGH! Critics?? The rest of the showroom seats were empty. One was the producer and the other was his assistant, I think.
John Stuart screamed out in an impatient hurried tone ‘OK. Are you ready Michelle? Now, show us what you’ve got!” He sounded harsh and judgmental.
I was scared shitless. Unlike anything I’d ever felt before.
My body was shaking so bad and my mouth felt like someone shoved a whole pile of cotton balls in it and stuffed them down deep! Then I noticed that not only my hands were shaking uncontrollably, but my heart was beating so fast and hard that I could actually HEAR IT thumping. My inner thighs felt rubbery and out of control too. I recall my right thigh was trembling so much that I tried to hold it down with my left hand while my right hand carefully held the microphone, to stop the movement my leg was making!
‘Dammit! I’m freaking out here’ I thought.
OK ok…. ‘I JUST gotta get through these TWO songs. OK OK!”. DeeeEeeeEEeEEp breath!! Deeep breath!
Then I heard my intro music starting — so, I stepped out on the stage and knew I had to just
DO IT!
(To be continued…)
THANKS FOR READING!
If you’d like more updates on my memoir or writing life please sing up on my website: www.michellemonet.com
CHECK OUT MY BOOKS ON AMAZON HERE: https://www.amazon.com/Michelle-Monet/e/B01J5X26QS/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1


