Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids
Tips from a family therapist on how to emotionally support your kids
We all want to raise healthy and happy kids. In reality, there will be countless times when our kids are not healthy or happy. This is okay and accounts for an important part of emotional development. There is a lot to consider while raising kids, and finding a balance helps families thrive. As a family therapist, many of the happiest families I meet prioritize emotional intelligence within their balance.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Peter Salavoy and John Mayer coined the term emotional intelligence in the early 1990s. A few years later, Dan Goleman popularized the term in his book, Emotional Intelligence. In his book, Goleman stated EQ (emotional quotient) counts twice as much as IQ (intelligence quotient) in determining who will be successful. Since then, emotional intelligence has become an area of interest for several researchers.
According to Psychology Today,
“Emotional intelligence is generally said to include at least three skills: emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same.”
Several childhood studies found self-awareness, stress management, self-motivation, empathy, decision-making skills, communication skills, and stronger relationships are attributed to higher emotional intelligence levels.
The process of learning emotional intelligence starts shortly after birth and continues throughout life as parents provide a framework for their kids to grow. There are numerous areas parents can focus on to help their child emotionally grow. Throughout the rest of the article, I recommend different areas for families to focus on based on my clinical experience.
Vocabulary
I assess a child’s emotional vocabulary when I first meet them. According to Amanda Morin, the author of Activities to Increase Emotional Vocabulary,
“An emotional vocabulary is the collection of words your child uses to express their feelings and reactions to events.”
Words help kids express their inner experience. Without the correct words, children might begin to express their emotions in unhealthy ways.
For example, Cody is a 6-year-old boy. His best friend, Caleb, recently decided that he no longer wants to be friends with Cody. Caleb starts hanging out with a different boy and ignores Cody when he tries to talk with him. Shortly after this happens, Cody tells his parents he does not want to go to school. He even tries to pretend to be sick to avoid seeing Caleb at school. He is coping with losing his best friend in an unhealthy way. Instead of using words to express his emotions, he uses avoidance behaviors.
Many children I see use very few words to express their emotions outside of happy, sad, and angry. The more emotion-related words children know and understand, the better. Research indicates a larger emotional vocabulary leads to better emotional regulation, interpersonal skills, and problem-solving skills.
For tips on how to increase your child’s emotional vocabulary read 10 Simple Activities to Build a Feelings Vocabulary by Laura Driscoll.
Identification
Emotional identification encourages a child to use their emotional vocabulary. According to S L Angel, the author of The Emotion Identification Group,
“Emotion identification is an individual’s ability to be aware of affective responses that occur during varied daily interactions.”
Identifying emotions is hard for many kids. A common question I ask my child clients is, “How do you know when you are (insert feeling word)?”. Very few kids answer this question the first time I ask. In sessions, I spend a lot of time helping kids and parents learn about what happens to their mind, body, and heart when they experience emotions.
Kids Helpline states kids who excel at emotional identification are more empathic and supportive of others, perform better in school, have more positive and stable relationships, have good mental health and wellbeing, display less behavioral problems, feel more competent, capable, and confident, and have a positive sense of self.
Expression
Emotional expression combines a child’s ability to verbally state and internally identify feelings. Kids (and adults) express their emotions in healthy and unhealthy ways.
Expressing emotions is a skill learned within the context of a child’s relationship with their parents. Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell, the authors of Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore state, children learn how to express their feelings by co-regulating through their parents.
Zero to Three, the publisher of It Takes Two: The Role of Co-Regulation in Building Self-Regulation Skills, states,
“Co-regulation is defined as warm and responsive interactions that provide the support, coaching, and modeling children need to understand, express, and modulate their thoughts, feelings, and behavior.”
Providing a warm and responsive environment can be hard when children have big emotions. If this is the case for you, remember your children’s emotions are not yours. You do not have to take on your children’s emotions.
Aim to provide an environment where your child feels safe, seen, and heard. If you are emotionally activated when your child needs a warm and responsive space, take a few deep breaths, and provide what you can. If you are not happy with how it went, apologize and share what was emotionally happening for you.
If you would like to learn more about emotional expression and co-regulation, read Children’s Social and Emotional Development Starts with Co-Regulation by National Institue for Children’s Health Quality.
Problem Solve
Once children identity and experience their emotions, they might need help from a parent to problem solve what to do next. For example, Sally feels disappointed because her family had to cancel their vacation due to COVID. Her mother models healthy problem solving by stating, “Sally, I know you are really disappointed that we had to cancel our vacation. You were really looking forward to it. When you are ready, maybe we can think of a few things to do at home that are really fun”.
Helping kids problem solve teaches kids to switch gears when needed. If healthy problem solving is modeled and practiced from a young age, kids will need less help problem solving as they grow.
It takes time and patience to grow emotional intelligence. Validate and embrace your child and their emotional experience. As you validate and embrace your child’s emotional experience, your relationship will strengthen. Strong relationships give life meaning and purpose and enable the creation of many unforgettable moments.
