Shouldering the Burden of Others While Neglecting Our Own Needs
Empathy vs. Compassion
“I’m pretty worried about my mom. I’ll give her a call and make sure she is being safe.”
“The whole world is on edge. I don’t know how we’ll pull through this.”
“This community has suffered for much too long. I really want to do something about it.”
“It must be so difficult for them when they’ve already suffering. I feel their pain. I can’t bear to think about it.”
“So many people have lost their jobs. It must be so hard to get by. But I’m hopeful that will be back to normal again.”
Introduction
These quotes represent examples of what I imagine many are thinking about these days, especially considering the numerous sources of distress affecting people around the globe. Moreover, these quotes convey different ways in which we process the struggles of others.
Most of our concern is focused on the important ones in our life that are struggling, such as significant others, family members, friends, and fellow co-workers. However, some people like myself can feel distraught for other people and communities experiencing hardship, misery, and agony. Emotional concerns for others become even more pronounced when those suffering have endured a history of pain due to injustice, discrimination, and a lack of acceptance from society.
It’s normal to feel concern for someone else who is in distress. However, if we don’t recognize the importance of our own needs, neglect to remedy our pain and suffering, and keep our troubles trapped within, it’s not possible to be in a position to shoulder others’ burdens. When we lack the capacity to be take on the struggle of others or desire to help without having the resources to take action and ease others’ pain, we ourselves endure avoidable agony. Grappling with our own emotional wellness while being consumed by others’ suffering results in the continued inattention to our needs, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and depletion of our ability to function.
I have come to realize that there are two ways to react when feeling concerned for another in pain. Empathy involves “putting oneself in someone else’s shoes”, opening oneself up to feel another’s emotions, and imagine their pain as if actually experiencing what they are going through. While this sort of intimacy is essential to building human connection, over time, if we continue dwelling in this state, our empathetic response can lead to emotional burnout.
This can be especially true when we are overwhelmed by the extent of people that are suffering. On the other hand, compassion pertains to thinking about how one is feeling in their situation rather than trying to emotionally experience one’s feelings. A more compassionate response allows us to feel concerned about others but from a distance. Reacting with compassion and the desire to help leaves us with the capacity to not only take care of our own needs but also motivates us to take action to eases others’ pain.
It is human nature to care and worry about the well-being of our loved ones; however, when our concern for others extends to those beyond our personal world, we can leave ourselves vulnerable to shoulder additional burdens. By taking on the world’s struggles, we end up drained and unable to support our loved ones. But the way in which we react to others’ suffering can impact our ability to function. Whether we respond to other people’s pain with empathy or compassion affects our emotional well-being, the burden we shoulder, and our desire and ability to relieve the distress of others.
COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter
In the last few months, a significant number of our fellow humans have endured pain, suffering, and distress. The COVID-19 virus pandemic and the response efforts have contributed to worry, angst, loneliness, and frustration for many. Furthermore, recent acts of brutality inflicted upon Black communities by police authorities have called attention to the deep-rooted racism that continues to plague our country, further exacerbating feelings of anger, fear, and resentment. These events have opened old wounds that have never fully healed, compounding the already exhausted emotional state of people caused by the COVID-19 pandemic.
The COVID-19 virus pandemic and the response efforts have contributed to worry, angst, loneliness, and frustration for many.
The stay-at-home, social distancing, and mask-wearing mandates, while having been essential in curbing COVID-19 outbreaks and have no doubt saved millions from infection and death, have also ignited unrest amongst the population. In recent weeks, there has been noticeable rising hostility between those who abide and understand the urgency of continuing these practices and those who don’t but instead feel these mandates are an attack on personal liberties and are harmful to the economy.
The emotional wounds caused by these disputes between factions with polar ideologies can be even more painful for those of us that can relate to both sides of the dispute. It becomes even more problematic when both camps have valid points but both of them ignore the feelings of their counterparts.
The continued closure of entertainment venues, sporting events, places of worship, gyms, bars, and dining establishments have left many without typical sources of joy, pleasure, and relaxation.
The lack of these usual activities and social functions that distract us from the world’s problems leaves us with an emotional imbalance, which for most of us has lasted for over three months. All-in-all, the circumstances of the first half of 2020 have had a drastically adverse impact on our collective emotional and mental well-being.
Burdening My Own Shoulders
On a personal level, the COVID-19 virus and response efforts have directly affected many of my loved ones. In March, while returning from a work assignment in Australia, my partner became stranded in China for months due to flight connection issues.
While in China, he was required to leave the airport because his connecting flight was more than a day away. Unfortunately, within that day, the 14-day quarantine order went into effect which left him stuck in a hotel and prohibited from leaving his room during that two-week period. After completing quarantine, the pandemic response efforts throughout the world were in full effect, drastically reducing international travel and resulting in the cancellation of most flights to the US.
My partner was in a constant state of worry and frustration, having to deal with being in isolation, struggling with the language barrier, having to adhere to strict quarantine rules, and dealing with the uncertainty of when we could return home. Thankfully, after two months, he was finally able to come home in mid-May, enduring a two-day journey with multiple flight connections to return back to San Francisco.
In addition, the COVID-19 virus directly affected my family in Texas. My aunt, uncle, and cousin were all infected with the virus in late March. Not only was I worried about their health and recovery, but because they were neighbors of my parents and brother, I was also extremely concerned that my immediate family were at heightened risk of infection. Considering my parents are in their 70’s and have underlying heart conditions, they would be at high risk of complications if they were to become infected with the virus. Fortunately, my parents have avoided infection and my family members have fully recovered.
The welfare of my loved ones was very much on my mind these last few months. When someone I care about is in distress, my initial reaction is to experience the pain I perceive they are feeling and strongly believe that I have the obligation to ease their suffering. If I have the capacity, I’ll make an effort to help, such as giving my parents advice to ease their worry or taking care of my partner’s affairs while he was stuck in China to calm his nerves. However, when I’m anxious and feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down emotionally and isolate myself from others. My inability to provide support to those in need during these times leads to feelings of deep shame and disappointment in myself.
On a broader scale, when I discover that individuals or communities are experiencing pain, which these days mostly occur while scrolling through social media news feeds, I will find myself bearing the sadness, frustration, or anger that I imagine those affected are feeling. I’ve dwelled on the effects of the COVI19 pandemic on families, with children having to adapt to schooling from home and financial hardships of parents that have become unemployed due to the stay-at-home order.
I become preoccupied with the drastic disruption of people’s lives due to the stay-at-home and social distancing orders and how the possible continued threat of COVID-19 virus infection may affect us for years to come. I feel that many people are struggling to adjust and adapt, and find it hard to admit that many aspects of their way of life will never be the same.
My reaction to the pain of others can be more impassioned when those suffering have long endured injustices and have been subjected to abuse and humiliation at the hands of the privileged. I feel the anger and frustration of everyone participating in the Black Lives Matter protests in response to recent acts of police brutality and unwarranted violence. I also feel deep concern about those that misdirect their outrage towards the protesters, because of ignorance and the inability to comprehend the dark history of inequality and injustices that Black people have endured and continue to haunt their communities.
Continually dwelling on other people’s pain and feeling the obligation to fully experience their suffering can leave us overwhelmed and unable to function.
Unfortunately, there is a cost to excessive worrying about our fellow human beings that can be exacerbated when we neglect our own needs to shoulder the burden of others. Dwelling on another’s pain and feeling the obligation to experience their suffering can leave us overwhelmed and unable to function. But if we can harness empathetic feelings for others and transform those feelings of concern into compassion, we are much more likely to have the capacity to feel one’s suffering and have the drive to help those in need.
Empathy
Empathy is one’s ability to tune into and experience someone else’s emotion from their perspective. As part of human nature, empathy plays a crucial role in human connection and bringing people together. Being empathetic builds trust between people by letting each other know that they can feel your pain and suffering. However, this seemingly positive emotion can have a harmful side effect, especially for those struggling with their own emotional well-being.
Additionally, feeling empathy for someone else while also dealing with one’s own struggles often leads to one overestimating the severity of another’s distress. We may perceive their painful experience to be more serious than our own because we conclude their situation is worse than ours. Being consumed by other people’s anguish, regularly prioritizing their emotions over one’s own, and overestimating others’ painful experiences can create a troublesome cycle, spiraling into deeper depression and feelings of hopelessness.
Empathy fatigue is something that often occurs for those in helping professions, such as nurses, social workers, and mental health professionals. Over time, these people can become overwhelmed when they are continuously feeling empathy and experiencing the emotions of the ones they are helping.
Even those not in those professions but feel the desire to help others can experience empathy fatigue. However, without the resources and not being in a position to help can leave these individuals feeling even more distraught. When a person is dealing with their own burdens and doesn’t have the ability to take time to process their own emotions and meet their needs, feeling empathy may not be possible without causing harm to oneself.
Compassion
While feeling empathy can cause burnout and be detrimental to one’s health over time, feeling compassion can motivate people to want to help others. While empathy involves actually putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel their emotions, compassion involves feeling concern about another’s suffering, but from a distance, which invokes a desire to help a person in need.
According to Wikipedia,
“Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, or emotional pains of another and themselves.”
Empathy is often a prerequisite to feeling compassion. In these cases, it involves initially feeling someone else’s pain and sharing one’s emotions. But rather than continuing to stay with those emotions, we instead avoid mirroring another’s emotional suffering. The key is to feel another’s pain but avoid dwelling on those feelings.
Moreover, it’s important to understand that transforming an initial feeling of empathy into compassion doesn’t mean one cares less about others or has less concern. Looking at it a different way, people who are suffering would likely not want to transfer their pain to you but would rather want your compassion to drive you to provide help and support.
By shifting focus to thinking about how others are feeling rather than continuing to share their pain allows people to have the drive to confront the source of others’ suffering and the motivation to help improve their situation.
Conclusion
If you are one on those people that shoulders the world’s burdens but struggle with having the wherewithal to take action because of the heaviness you feel within, know that you are not alone. Being able to free ourselves to empathize and feel compassion for others often requires that we take care of ourselves first.
Seeking help for mental health struggles, truly valuing and seeing worth in oneself, and prioritizing attention to one’s own struggles and suffering are all ways that we can achieve this. I do admit, it can be difficult to take time to care of our needs first without feeling that we’re letting others down or that we’re being selfish.
This is completely not true. I believe that we must be able to unconditionally love ourselves and take the time to address our own emotional needs to allow us to fully empathize and feel compassion for our fellow humans without causing ourselves undue harm. It is only then that we will have the capacity to influence positive change and take action to help ease the suffering of others.
Here are a few reminders to take away that I hope will guide you in dealing with feelings for others in pain as we navigate through the struggles that lie ahead:
- Take care of yourself first.
- Feeling compassion from a distance doesn’t mean you care less. It allows you to provide more help.
- Dwelling on others’ suffering takes away time that could be used to help.
- Focus on what you can control. Try not to dwell on the things you can’t.
- You deserve to be taken care of as much as others.
- Don’t take it on alone. Without relying on other people to help carry the load, the burden will be overwhelming.
- Love yourself, value yourself, and give yourself credit for what you’ve achieved.
- Taking care of one’s own emotional needs is not a selfish act.
- When you’re struggling, others may not be suffering as much as you perceive.
- Because it is doubly important, take care of yourself first.
