Small wins of a Borderline mind
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be overwhelming, tiring and often what seems like a battlefield where it is you against your own mind.
For those of you who do not know, BPD is a condition characterised by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event. This difficulty can lead to impulsivity, poor self-image, stormy relationships and intense emotional responses to stressors. I do not want to limit the definition of BPD to only the negative aspects that are highlighted in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual in Psychiatry. If I had to define what BPD was I would extrapolate emotional hypersensitivity to being emotionally more in tune with ones feelings, ability to be more empathetic to the emotions of others and being really driven and passionate about almost anything I choose to explore.
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 27 but the onset was clearly much early on in life during my teenage. People with BPD are often misdiagnosed with other conditions and/or can also actually have Anxiety / Depression or other forms of mental illness as associated issues along with the BPD. Around a year ago, I started seeking therapy from someone who is trained in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy that is specifically useful for someone with BPD over all other forms of therapy. DBT can be quite challenging because the main focus is to identity negative personality patterns that are caused by BPD and work on breaking those slowly by sifting between what is rational, what is irrational, being able to identify triggers and change responses to distress over time. Since I chose to do this without the help of medication, it has definitely been very cumbersome, intense and quite a challenge. Nevertheless, I have been at it for a while now. Consistency has helped and my therapist told me to start documenting my journey and celebrating my wins no matter how small or huge they may seem to me. Even writing this has been festering in my mind for quite some time now because I really was so unsure of how to vocalise these things I quite detest about myself and often times am quite ashamed of. So, here it goes —
Delaying responses when I am consumed by rage
When you have BPD, things are very ‘Black’ or ‘White’. This means that I find it very hard to fathom there is and there can be a grey area when it comes to interpersonal relationships. When someone does not do as I expect of them, or lets me down, I tend to take it very personally and lash out. I tend to feel like they have a vendetta against me and their actions are a response to that. It used to be really hard for me to just realise that we are human and we will always have differences in opinions. So i would be verbally abusive and just lash out at people closest to me and sometimes even with colleagues at work. My response would be so heightened and I would feel like this was “the end” of my relationship, when it may just have been a difference in opinion or approach that could be talked over. What I actively try to do now is to delay my response when I feel completely consumed by rage. I do not send that Whatsapp text I write when I am triggered. I sit on it. I try to take a fresh look at it in a while once I have settled a bit. Most times, when I revisit it, I am really glad I did not send that text or make that call because it invariably comes from a space of distress. This is still not very easy and I do not always success, but I am able to be better at it with practice.
Being able to empathise when I am in distress
As someone who is emotionally sensitive, I am usually seen as someone people can approach and confide in easily. I always find people approaching me, even as strangers for peer-support because I naturally am non-judgemental and have a keen understanding of how challenging it can be to live with an unstable mind that is out of one’s complete control. That being said, I can sometimes be so self absorbed in my own mind that I forget that other people have emotions too that need tending to. This often has happened in my romantic relationships where I have this high need to be taken care of emotionally that I forget the needs of my partner. I had got so used to being the one that needs attention that I found it hard to even see through the other persons anxiety and pain. Over time, and after constant self-talk that I am not the ONLY one suffering, and after being able to be present for myself, I am able to put someone else’s needs too as priority. I am really happy about this even though I know I have a long way to go.
Changing — Sorry, not sorry
As trivial as this sounds, this can be quite an issue in my inter-personal relationships. I find it really hard to admit I am wrong and when I have outbursts. I usually tend to blame it on the BPD, which may be true in most cases but this meant I felt unapologetic for it for the longest time. It was coming from a space of viewing myself as a victim to BPD. I had the thought that this is not something I “asked for” and so why should I apologise? Through working with my therapist, I am able to utter the word “sorry” which I really found so challenging before. In therapy I realised that, yes while BPD is colouring my responses, it still has an impact on the humans around me. It does not negate the fact that they get hurt. I had to fake it initially because I really was not able to feel too apologetic but I think I am getting there, slowly. I realise now that I am not apologising for my mental health but for its manifestation that can sometimes hurt others.
Since BPD is a personality disorder, it can sometimes get really confusing for me to sift between who I am and what is a result of my BPD? More often than not, these two are so infused that it is hard to even distinguish between the two. Also since I constantly grapple with the Who am i? question, it helps to put these things in perspective with my therapist who is able to be objective, non-judgemental and give me that safe space to figure my mind over time.
Looking back, I know I have made strides — however big or small. There are times when I just want to give up because our society is so fixated on fixing and not healing. People just expect you to do a few sessions of therapy and come out a changed human. BPD does not work that way. Therapy and self-work is an act of constant chiseling. I chisel away, piece by piece and start to see the results as little flowers that blossom amidst all the chaos and pain in my mind. I know I have a long way to go, but I am grateful to have started and be on this journey.