Sober Musings and Reflections
The past 90 days have brought some hilarious insight into my life
9 am — 90 DAYS AGO: “Oh my god I am so drunk right now, I need to pass the fuck out already.”
9 am — Today: “Hey Kari, cocktail party tonight, drinks on me!” “Oh I’m good thanks, I’ll pass.”
90 DAYS AGO: I am the sexiest motherfucker on the planet! Like for real yo’.
TODAY: I am wearing torn yoga pants and drinking coffee while talking to my boyfriend. So not sexy right now. Retrospect: Sexiest I’ve ever been.
NOTE TO SELF: STOP saying for real yo. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
90 DAYS AGO: “Dude. Where’s my bra??”
TODAY: Huge laundry pile staring at me at 9 am on a Saturday morning with all the bras I own ready and waiting to be freshly laundered. Thanks bras, you owe me.
90 DAYS AGO: What lie(s) did I tell last night?? Fuck, think Kari, think.
TODAY: The only lie I’ve told in the last 90 days is the one about how I didn’t steal my son’s lighter.
*Gives lighter back to son*
90 DAYS AGO: I am single-handedly the most bad-ass supah-fly DJ on the planet. Yes, I am currently working on updating from vinyl to MP3s in order to get with the times.
TODAY: I am not that good of a DJ. I am a nobody in the music scene now. No real DJ has even said the word vinyl in about ten years. What are MP3s again?
90 DAYS AGO: “Damn girl, you learned how to twerk! Work that shit!”
TODAY: *Shaking my head in extreme shame* because I thought I had learned how to twerk when in reality it just looked like I was having a grand mal seizure on the dance floor.
90 DAYS AGO: Looks at self in bathroom mirror at the club. Makeup and hair are flawless. I am a goddess. So hot.
TODAY: Looks at selfie taken in bathroom at the club. I look like Amy Winehouse on one of her notorious crack benders with Blake Fielder. Not hot.
90 DAYS AGO: I am so classy. I am the classiest woman of all because classy ladies drink Vodka Martinis. I am rockin’ these $200 heels like nobody’s business!
TODAY: Add Vodka Martinis and all that class pours out of me like Niagara Falls. Ended up losing $200 heels because I took them off IN THE CLUB and couldn’t remember where I left them.
90 DAYS AGO: Waltzes into rave party right past security without paying the 50 bucks to get into the rave. I am so the shit. Kari doesn’t pay!
TODAY: Rave party? At 42?? This is officially the most embarrassing moment of your life. Get your fucking shit together, come on now.
90 DAYS AGO: Raver girl fa life yo’. You can take the girl outta the party but never the party outta the girl!
TODAY: Omg can I please just find a rock to hide under for the rest of my life. NOT that kind of rock!!! *see Amy Winehouse reference above*
NOTE TO SELF: Lady, you have really got to stop saying yo. Yo ass ain’t pullin’ that shit off anymore.
90 DAYS AGO: Italiano Mafioso Princess in the house bitches. Bring it.
TODAY: I hate pasta and I shoulda’ been fuckin’ whacked already for all the times I ran my big mouth about being Italian. Who the fuck gives a shit Kari hahaha.
90 DAYS AGO: Miserable. Hungover. Half-dead. Why is my underwear hanging from the ceiling fan? Where the fuck are my $200 heels? Who the fuck are you and can you please get me a fucking Lyft home?
*Does barefoot walk-of-shame out to the Lyft when it arrives*
TODAY: Fresh as a daisy. Sober. One-thousand percent alive. Happy. No lies to keep maintaining. So proud of myself for not touching one drop of alcohol for the last three months!!
*Still does barefoot walk-of-shame out to the Lyft when I need one because, well, I lost my fucking $200 pair of heels*
90 DAYS AGO: You know, maybe you should cut down on your drinking because you don’t seem to be able to handle your alcohol too well. You pissed off a few people last night. Just sayin’…
TODAY: I have eliminated all drinking because not only do I not handle my alcohol well, I have manged to piss off every crazy bitch in the club ‘cuz I was twerkin’ too close to they man and got my weave snatched off a few times. Yeah, it was time to stop.
*Does bald and barefoot walk-of-shame to the Lyft*
