The Benign Parental Abuser
They can do no wrong
“The great and terrible truth of the world is that evil can masquerade as good.” ~ M. Scott Peck / People of the Lie
The term ‘benign parental abuser’ appears to be a contradiction, after all an abuser is someone who engages in harmful or manipulative behavior towards others with the intent of inflicting harm, while ‘benign’ implies kindness and innocence. However, in the context of psychology or family dynamics, a ‘benign parental abuser’ refers to a situation where a parent conceals malicious intent and controlling, manipulative behavior behind a tactical facade of love or concern.
As a complex trauma therapist, I encounter countless stories of surreal and baffling abuse and neglect incurred from seemingly benign, virtuous, even saintly parents. In such cases, the parent appears to genuinely believe they have acted in the best interest of their child, yet their actions resulted in emotional, psychological, or sometimes even physical harm. Their egregious, yet camouflaged ways of operating entail excessive control, deliberate neglect, manipulation, emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting.
Amongst this vast arsenal of methods is a particularly insidious defense mechanism that is integral to perpetrating parental subterfuge. Known as projective identification (Melanie Klein)…
