The Brutal Mindfuckery of Chronic Insomnia
A Glimpse into the Hellscape
You’re in bed, and it starts with an onslaught of thoughts.
Will I sleep tonight? Am I tired? Why am I not tired? I was tired all day. What if I don’t sleep? How will I manage tomorrow? I have to finish that report. I wonder how mom’s doing. I have to call her. I hope she’s feeling better.
Then, the bubbling up of memories.
Remember Ashley from sixth grade? That day you wore the red pleather dress and she told you you looked like a hooker? Then at home later you lashed out at mom because she’s the one who bought the dress? Fuck, sorry mom. What a horrible day. I hope something bad happened to Ashley. Not too bad, just, you know, karma. Wait, does wishing her harm make me a bad person?
Then, back to worries.
Fuck, why am I still awake?
But it’s not just thoughts and worries. The radio knob for each of your senses is turned all the way up.
You notice every noise in your house. The click of the heater coming on and off. The whir of the ceiling fan. The toss and shuffle of your spouse under the covers. The murmur you can’t quite place that convinces you there’s an alien spaceship outside preparing to kidnap you. Cars spinning their wheels on a rainy…
