The Constriction of the Scrupulous Heart
Scrupulosity: Bipolar disorder symptom characterized by anxiety and pathological guilt about moral or religious issues.
The Believer’s Lament
Why am I afflicted so, with this disease of madness? I just want to be normal like everybody else. Stop feeling things with so much depth. Stop worrying about parables and their hidden meanings. Stop over-analyzing every little thing.
But You remind me, this is exactly what I asked for when You gave me the license to request one favor of You. It had been a long night of supplication, and I was overwhelmed with joy to once again be in Your presence. As I shivered, trembling and weeping with unspeakable elation at the magnificence of your aura, I asked You to make the fear of You the foremost thing in my life. I asked, and You knew I meant it from the bottom of my heart. So You simply said, “Amen”. But honestly, I don’t understand. Things don’t add up. I sometimes have doubts in my conviction; did all of it really happen, or was it just a figment of my imagination? Am I just weird and deluded, like some people believe?
You say I must have unyielding Faith- and truly I do. I put all my trust in You. But sometimes my natural tendencies betray me, for I am but a creature of habit. I desire nothing more than to walk with You, but how can I walk without sight? I am weak, proud, inherently sinful, naïve. I try my best, but it doesn’t seem like I’m on the right path sometimes. I make bad decisions, I disappoint myself. I feel like you’d be disappointed in me, and it depresses me. It scares me. I’m crippled by guilt. How can I really be sure you’re always with me when at times I feel lost, directionless, hopeless. I’m not sure I can carry on like this. It’s too much- I just want to unplug. To stop thinking about all of this. To be gleefully normal! To have some mindless fun, just for a moment, without my conscience screaming at me. I am nowhere near strong enough to live like this. I know You have always been there to pull me up when I couldn’t go on. I’ve always found solace in Your words, just as soon as I’ve been ready to tap out. But the mental load is too draining. I didn’t ask for this!
The Constrictor’s Panacea
Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.
— King Solomon
Oh Believer,
By the Glorious Morning Light, and by the Night when it is still;
Thy Guardian-Lord hath not forsaken thee, nor is He displeased with thee;
For verily the latter portion shall be better for thee than the former;
And soon will thy Lord give thee that wherewith thou shalt be well pleased.
By the pen, and that which they write therewith;
Thou art not, by the Grace of thy Lord, mad or possessed;
Lo! Thy Lord is Best Aware of him who strayeth from His way, and of those who walk aright;
So hearken not to those who deny the Truth.
Have We not caused thy bosom to dilate;
And eased thee of the burden which weighed down your back;
But lo! With hardship goeth ease- Verily, with hardship goeth ease;
So when thou art relieved still toil, and strive to please thy Lord.
