The life of pursuit

A year doesn’t necessarily start from January. That’s what makes resolutions an endless race. A year from now, where will everything be?

In here, I mumble. I write down pieces of my thoughts, hoping I manage to make sense out of it all. Don’t expect answers as I have none. At best you will leave emptier than when you started.

It’s been 80 days since I finished my Udacity course, So finally I got my weekends back, what a relief, right?
It’s not. One thing I learned in the past years is that doing nothing is much more tiring than being constantly busy. That’s not news for me as I have been through similar phases before which makes me worry a bit less… Thankfully. You know, once we get to a mountain peak, we rest, only to make it harder for us to start hiking again. In mathematics, we have local maximum and how the gradient can lead us in the wrong direction. That’s a different problem. Anyway, life decisions aren’t that different. Once we achieve a dream, it loses its entire worth keeping an open way for one question to arise: what’s next?

It starts with looking for the “perfect” fit for your time, energy, knowledge, resources... You’re basically looking for what’s worthy of you — Oh you. That one unique human on earth. And here's where everything goes wrong — perfect. It’s like looking at a blank canvas or an abstract painting, endless possibilities, endless flaws... where do I begin!

If we’re taking two train rides and the first one goes smoothly we kinda expect that the next one will be the same or even better until we end up waiting unhelpfully for the second train, maybe for hours. And oh my, oh my, how much I hate waiting! The hardest part of any experience is the start, that comes from a person who’s been through brutal ends. And in that search of what’s next? we lose direction of where we’re heading now, the earth is turning faster, everything seems so decisive, the dominos chain is falling, your future is crumbling, what’s next? what now? Out of breath.. I’ll go to sleep.

It’s been so long that I didn’t get into a fight, didn’t argue, didn’t talk for hours explaining a point of view or defending someone.. didn’t make new enemies nor friends. I do miss that part and I still believe it’s still there buried under a cliff of disappointments just waiting for the right force to awaken again from the dead.

Waking up. A friend complains about how people keep asking him what’s next? The same question I ask myself endlessly and I’m sure he does too. If It’s any consolation when people ask what’s next? what’s new with you? when you’re getting married or how was your day? They don’t really care about the outcome of those questions. It’s just to start a conversation or keep one going. After all, it’s either a need for connection or fear of rudeness. Will it make you feel better if people ask you after greeting about your point of view on global warming? the war in Syria or the future of nuclearisation? Maybe something more personal, like what keeps you up at night or how you feel stuck in a day job and abounding your dreams or maybe simply how are you? — not the greeting kind but the kind you hear setting in a psychiatrist’s chair. I can’t remember how many times in a new year business gathering, we were asked about our resolutions but usually, everyone just nods and smiles.
It’s not that we don’t have any or that we don’t care to share. It’s more complex than that. Maybe it’s the same fear of getting naked in public… you can’t be sure that no one will point and laugh.

Out of all those people who may ask you “what’s next?” in your lifetime, the only one you need to fear is yourself because once you do ask, you’re not letting go without a satisfying answer. So even when we don’t have the answers, let’s hope we’re asking the right questions!

I’ve been thinking now for several weeks about what should my next medium writing be about. And I was stuck again in the pursuit of perfect. So here I am talking about perfect. No I don’t have any bits of advice to give and I’m not gonna tell you to enjoy the moment or live in the now — I’m just here to share my mind and hopefully, you share your thoughts with me too.