Member-only story
The Power of Saying Thank You
Challenging misogyny one compliment at a time
Alright ladies, it’s time we get some discipline in the area of accepting compliments. Yes, boastfulness is woven throughout our culture’s narrative and as Americans, our international reputation is basically an arrogant cartoon. But for most American women, real confidence doesn’t actually come easily. When someone offers us a compliment we tend to respond somewhere along the spectrum between self-deprecation and self-immolation.
As women, we have an especially awkward relationship with compliments because they tend to force us to engage with deeply uncomfortable parts of ourselves: our pride, and our shame. We’ve been fed messages that simulate a perpetual teeter-totter between these two polarities. Have confidence! Eww, not that much confidence. Stand up for yourself! Who do you think you are? Love your body, just not in public. Dream big, but don’t embarrass yourself in the process. No wonder we confuse self-esteem with narcissism!
Pride is pleasurable, and there’s a long history of women being indoctrinated to feel shame in response to our pleasure. As a result, when a compliment sparks our pride we usually extinguish it with the wet blanket of self-degradation (how dare I agree I’m awesome?). We aren’t permitted to kick back and relish a sense of gratification…
