THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF PANIC
A panic or anxiety attack can grab you when you least expect it.
I’VE ALWAYS HAD ANXIETY ISSUES from as far back as I can remember. I still do — at age 56.
Even though I am in recovery for C-PTSD and childhood trauma I still have days when my heart beats so fast, almost out of my chest, that I can barely breathe.
Even though I’ve been in EMDR therapy and talk therapy and have a slew of helpful women friends (I call them my S*W*A*T team, Supportive Women Acknowledging Truths), some days it just SUCKKKKKKKkkkksss to have this dreaded panic thing.
What is a panic attack?
A panic attack is an intense wave of fear characterized by its unexpectedness and debilitating, immobilizing intensity. A sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear.
Your heart pounds, you can’t breathe, and you may even feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Usually, the panic-inducing situation is one in which you feel endangered and unable to escape, triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response.
Panic attacks often strike OUT OF THE BLUE, without any warning, and sometimes with NO CLEAR TRIGGER. They may even occur when you’re relaxed or asleep.
I had the panic gremlin attack me 3 different times this past week. Not once but three times in a row.
DAMMIT!!
The first time was last Monday when I pulled out a file folder with some old papers from 23 years ago. It was an ‘innocent’ file with my ex-husbands letters and other paperwork including a restraining order, police report etc. in it.
He and I traveled together when I was in showbiz. He ended up stealing all my money, almost killed me and left me alone in South Africa where I was starring in a show.
(I was planning to write about this in my upcoming Memoir. This chapter was going to be the meat — the juiciest part of the story!) I thought I was sufficiently ready and brave enough to do this chapter, after publishing 5 other books.
I felt it was TIME —but obviously not. I realized I was in too much panic. The panic took me by surprise and came out of nowhere, it seems.
When I began reviewing all the letters and papers in this file I instantly noticed I was short of breath, my whole body started to shake (even my toes!) and I felt a very frightened deer in headlights feeling. I felt I had to RUN, QUICK!! — just like I did back in the days I was running for my life, from my husband in 1996.
It seemed like it was all happening again TODAY! Right now! I had the same emotional visceral reaction in my mind and my body.
SHIT. DAMN!!
When I saw my ex husbands handwriting I felt like I was transported right back to that time in 1996 when it all happened.
It was that real to me.
In some ways I feel that my panic attacks have gotten worse throughout my life time. It could be because I ignored them, tried to sweep them under the rug, for so long, and didn’t address them head on.
So, I was left untreated.
“Left untreated, panic attacks can lead to panic disorder and other problems. They may even cause you to withdraw from normal activities..” From HELPGUIDE.ORG
C-PTSD trauma is a complex thing to grasp, which is why it is called ‘complex’ Post Trauma — but I was still baffled as to why I responded so violently to just looking at these papers.
My boyfriend asked me after I told him about my panic while viewing that file;
“Why do you continue to torture yourself? Why do you let something that happened SO many years ago affect you today?”
If only I knew the answer to that.
I did some research into this question and found that:
“…When we are dealing with trauma sometimes our brains can’t differentiate between something that happened many years ago and today…”
Something that happened 30 years ago can feel like it happened just yesterday, which is what I felt when looking at that file.
It helps me to understand the way C-PTSD and panic work.
Then last night I was driving on a back road and I got lost — even though I prepared in advance the Google Maps on my phone, which I do because I know one of my panic triggers is ‘getting lost, on a back road’. Especially in the dark and in a place I’d never been.
I still ended up getting lost and the Google Maps directions were inaccurate. UGH!
I began to hyperventilate, I noticed instantly my heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my chest and I could see and feel my hands were trembling. I also felt extreme shortness of breath.
I went from zero to ten on a panic scale instantly.
It took me a few hours to regain my equilibrium after getting home and under my covers, safely with a cat on top of me.
So, that was two unexpected panic attacks in two days!
Then, yesterday I innocently went to downtown Asheville to see a matinee of a woman doing a One-Woman-Show at a small theater. I thought it would be a relaxing treat for myself. I love to see live music.
It was only an hour and a half drive from my house, but when I got to the downtown area I realized it was Labor Day weekend and the traffic was beyond INSANE! My head started to spin — I felt dizzy and as though a panic attack was coming — again! This was the day after I got lost in the dark on the back roads.
I also have a panic ‘trigger’ of being in a lot of traffic driving alone with people honking. Yes. It was insane and people were honking plus I didn’t know where I was going.
( I envied Barbara Walters who elected to never drive and to take taxis everywhere!)
So, I drove around and around downtown, ending up one one way streets, trying to stay calm and just BREeeEATHE while looking for a parking place but I still couldn’t find one.
My heart unexpectedly began to pound again. Shortness of breath and a feeling of being unsafe flooded my body.
I called my boyfriend, who was luckily home and he helped me find a space to park — he used his Google Maps app — and I ended up finding a decent spot, thankfully.
Why did I so suddenly feel that gripping panic come over me when I was just driving to an innocent show?
I dont’ know. Panic is baffling.
In Jr. High school I was bullied fiercely, which I believe is where my anxiety issues might have first begun.
Oddly, I ended up having a career in show business (singing on stages around the world in various shows. I impersonated Streisand for about 9 years and also sang my own original music in concerts) but even in the midst of all of that I always had panic and anxiety.
I held it at bay, sometimes, but my panic issues were always there lurking just beneath the surface. Always.
Streisand herself, ironically had serious panic issues. Back in 1969 she did a live concert in Central Park in New York. She forgot the lyrics to three of her songs.
She couldn’t forgive herself (being a perfectionist) and she vowed never to let that happen again. Her panic took her by suprise and freaked her out so much that she retired from live performing for about 30 years!
She only did studio recordings until 1999 when she decided to finally make a come back to the stage.
Sometimes even when you think you have all the ‘tools’ at your disposal, something from the past ( an unknown trigger) can still hit you and take you down in an instant! When you least expect it a panic attack can grab you, which is one thing I hate most about this medical ‘condition’.
Sometimes I think panic and anxiety issues are even more insidious and baffling than many other physical diseases and real diagnosable medical ‘conditions.’
The unreliability and unpredictability of these attacks sometimes seem worse than the actual panic itself.
What Can We Do?
It helps me to try to stay a bit ahead of the panic, if I can.
For instance I do try to do these 10 suggestions, as much as possible. I also try to look ahead and plan in advance if I feel that a trigger might be coming. That way I can try to avoid or deal with it. But, sometimes you just can’t foresee a trigger and it will grab you and take you down anyway.
Being gentle with yourself is key. Just because you think you are ‘cool’ now and can handle things, you might not be able to.
A fellow PTSD survivor author friend said to try this:
Sit straight in a chair. Take a deep breath. Look around the room. Tell yourself that you are in the present. You already survived the worst of it. Ok Ok. I already survived the worst of it. Think of the BEST THING in your life! Ok — my beautiful Kitties! Now juxtapose that memory with your kitties. Rewiring that old memory. Pull yourself away from the memory. Focus on something REALLY GOOD! Parent yourself. Say things like: I am strong and powerful.
Thankfully I’m now happily in my ‘safe space’ again, healing from three panic attacks in a row last week.
I do know I’ll get over it.
I might need a double dose of ‘self care’ now. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I can chill out all day. Writing about this also helps me immensely and I am grateful to Ernest Hemingway who said :
“WRITE WHERE IT HURTS”.
THANKS FOR READING!
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https://www.amazon.com/Michelle-Monet/e/B01J5X26QS/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1
