The Weight

Let me tell you a joke

One evening a guy loses his car keys and is looking for them under a street light. Another one approaches and tries to help him. 
After a while, he asks a question. “Where did you loose your keys?”
“Over there.” The first one replies and points to a place about 20 meters afar. “Then what are you doing here?” Asks the second guy. 
“Here I have the light.”, the first one replies.


The weight

I have a major depressive disorder.
It follows me around.
A backpack full of stones.
7 of them.

  1. The What-if stone
  2. The Why-me stone
  3. The Sucking-at-life stone
  4. The Missed-chances stone
  5. The Self-scrutiny stone
  6. The Committed-a-sin stone
  7. The Suicide stone

Searching under the light

My psychiatrist helped me to become aware of the stones. 
Didn’t help me taking the load off.
My meds helped me to get stronger to carry them around.
Didn’t help me taking the load off.
My priest told me that God loved me. I wasn’t ready.
Didn’t help me taking the load off.

I was “searching” under the light.

I need to go into the darkness.
I need to go by myself.
I will get hurt, that’s true.
I could die, that’s also true.
But, I need to go.

So I went…


It was September 2014.

Entering the darkness

I entered the void.
I saw 7 demons. In the dark.
They shined with poisonous light.
The Lucifers. The terror. They had no eyes. No soul.
The Unfilled. That’s what they were.

  1. The Fear demon
  2. The Self-pity demon
  3. The Father figure demon
  4. The Victim of circumstances demon
  5. The Reason demon
  6. The Pride demon
  7. The Selfishness demon

Nobody told me anything.
Nobody led the way.
I was naked in the dark.

Then somebody took me by the hand.
The being of light. 
I instantly knew it was my angel. 
I couldn’t see him before, because of the light. 
You can only see him when you are in the dark. 
The beautiful being of fullness. My angel.

Be brave by letting go

He opened my backpack and gave me the first stone. The What-if stone. Then he took a pencil and wrote on the stone: “Let it be”. I took the stone and threw it at the first demon. The Fear demon. It disintegrated into dark pieces of coal.

Be thankful

Then my angel gave me the Why-me stone and wrote: “Thank You”. I threw this stone at the demon of Self-pity. It disappeared with a scream.

You are extraordinary

I was already holding the stone of Sucking-at-life. The angel wrote: “Extraordinary”. I threw it at the demon of Father-figure. It took a form of my angry father. After the stone hit it, it became my father smiling at me. And then it went to heaven.

Never mind what happened

The angel gave me the fourth stone. The Missed-chances stone. On the stone, it was written:”So what”. The demon was looking at me, with no eyes. It was holding fast to a book. I cast this stone at the Victim of circumstances demon. It was annihilated, but the book remained. The title was: “Lessons of my life”.

Because you can forgive now

I was exhausted. But my angel was not. I got another stone, the stone of Self-scrutiny with a message: “Forgiveness”. I threw it hard. It hit the Reason demon. The demon vanished without the trace.

And love

Before I could think of anything, I was throwing another stone at the demon. It was the Sin stone. My angel wrote on it: “Unconditional Love”. The Pride demon exploded, and bright light filled the void. The light of Love.

And there is always hope

My angel was gone, but I was in the light of love. The last stone, the Suicide stone had written “Hope” on it, but the last demon, the demon of Selfishness escaped screaming with fear.

So I was left with the last stone, the stone of hope. 
My load was off. I threw my backpack away. 
I keep holding the stone of Hope.

It was March 2017.