Thinking outside the box

Society at large is structured for those who think and function “normally”, whatever that means. For those of us who are outside of that box, we have to figure it out and make our own rules. Especially in school, we have to find ways to cope, ways to hide our differences. It can be very frustrating and exhausting and isolating.

Due to an illness, my childhood wasn’t typical. It was filled with hospital stays, doctors offices, and endless medications. Before that though, I was often confused, never quite paying enough attention, always feeling a little left out of the joke. I remember getting in trouble a lot at school for being late because I’d gotten distracted by something. I have no doubt that if I were a child today I’d have been diagnosed somewhere on the Autism spectrum.

Once I got sick it was accepted that I was a little odd. Staring death in the face at an early age will naturally change your perspective. I was pretty heavily medicated as well. So it wasn’t until I was an adult that I started to really struggle. Trying to focus, remember things, complete tasks-those things were a struggle. I had some damage to my brain from medication and treatment administered to my then still growing brain. It changed me.

But it wasn’t until I was talking to my son’s counselor that it was suggested I get evaluated. For ADHD. By this point I’d probably gone to 6 colleges finishing or starting different paths. I’d become good at many things, great at none. I’d had many short lived yet exhilarating relationships. I couldn’t understand what had happened. Because I used to be so smart. I was accepted into the Pre-med program. I was going to do something wonderful with my life. But I kept getting distracted.

So I went through the evaluation process and honestly it shouldn’t have been a surprise. I clearly have ADHD. Knowing that and looking back on my life was like a light bulb went on. My whole life makes sense now. Not that it’s any excuse, but I could finally identify the issue and work on what I could do to start finally putting some of the pieces of my life back together.

It has been 3 years since my diagnosis. Thanks to medication and behavior modification, I am now able to get through the day without feeling distraught, like a complete failure, or feeling worthless. I no longer feel like bursting into tears when the work day is over. I have more patience at home and at work. I am certainly a better mother. But I still struggle with tuning out the world to focus on what needs to be done on a daily basis. I still struggle with finishing tasks. I still struggle with remembering the little things and not losing interest in things I’d just had a passion for.

Treatment for ADHD doesn’t make it go away. It’s still very much there. I have an ally in my boss at work, whose husband also has ADHD, so she understands. And my son, who is also ADHD, helps me as much as I help him. And I have some amazing friends who get me and have no issue re-directing the conversation, having patience when I interrupt, and understanding when I just need to be alone because the world is just too noisy and bright at the time. If you have someone in your life with ADHD, please have some empathy for them. And if you have ADHD, forgive yourself. You’re doing the best you can.