Tips for Being the Best Parent You Can Be
Showing up for your kids
The goal of parents is the raise happy and healthy kids. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have met numerous families who strive to raise happy and healthy kids, however, many get lost along the way. Many times, these parents spend unlimited financial, emotional, mental, and time resources trying to fulfill this goal for their kids. Often, one important factor is overlooked, the importance of showing up.
What Does it Mean to Show Up?
Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and executive director of the Mindsight Institute, explores what showing up means and states:
“It’s that you’re available in awareness, receptive to moments to connect with your child, able to stay with them at the moment when they are feeling distressed and uncomfortable. A parent who distracts a child or tells them not to feel that way would be the opposite of showing up. So showing up means they are known by me, and they know I have their back.”
Showing up is much more than physically being present with your child. It means providing a presence to help your child cope with all of his or her internal processes. More importantly, it means accepting and validating all of your child’s internal processes without judgment.
For example, when a baby starts to cry, many parents say, “It’s okay, you don’t have to be sad.” The unsaid message behind this phrase is, “Don’t feel sad”. This is not showing up for your child. Instead saying, “I see your tears and I’m here for you” communicates that you are accepting of whatever feeling your child is experiencing. It also helps your child know that their feelings are valid and okay.
Being present to help your child process his or her internal experiences changes the brain. In addition, kids learn who they are and what they are capable of within a parent's presence.
How Can I Show Up For My Child?
Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, the authors of The Power of Showing Up, outline four things children need from their parents.
Safety
Throughout the years, many researchers have discussed the importance of safety. It may come as no surprise that the first element Siegel and Bryson identify for showing up is safety. Siegel and Bryson state,
“We can’t always insulate a child from injury or avoid doing something that leads to hurt feelings. But when we give a child a sense of safe harbor, she will be able to take the needed risks for growth and change.”
Safety develops over time and with consistency. Also, safety means more than physical safety. Kids require physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual safety to thrive.
Seen
The next element important for showing up is helping your kids feel seen. Siegel and Bryson address the topic of being seen and state,
“Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to his emotions — both positive and negative — and strive to attune to what’s happening in his mind beneath his behavior.”
I find parents need the most help with attuning to negative emotions. I have met numerous parents who feel responsible for their child's feelings and as a result, take on their child’s feelings. Remember, your child’s feelings are their own. Your role is to validate and empathize with your child’s feelings.
Consider the following example, your son will not eat lunch because he wants a sandwich and you made a smoothie. An invalidating response sounds like, “You need to eat what I made.” A validating response sounds like, “That’s so hard when you don’t get to eat what you really want.” The unsaid message behind the invalidating response is, “Your feelings and thoughts are not as important as mine.” The unsaid message behind the validating response is, “Your thoughts and feelings matter.” Taking it a step further, a parent could empathize with their son’s experience by saying, “I get upset/frustrated/disappointed too when I don’t get to eat what I want.”
In the example, the parent is attuning to the emotional needs of their child. This can be challenging. To learn more about attuning to your child’s needs read, Finding Attunement With Our Children by Bryce Mathern, LPC.
Soothing
The third element Siegel and Bryson identify for showing up is soothing. Self-soothing is an important skill that helps kids feel safe and separate from their parents. Feeling safe and separate is important for development. Siegel and Bryson state,
“Soothing isn’t about providing a life of ease; it’s about teaching your child how to cope when life gets hard, and showing him that you’ll be there with him along the way. A soothed child knows that he’ll never have to suffer alone”.
Self-soothing is not possible before the first 6-months of life and even after 6-months, children rely heavily on their parents to help soothe. Many children will have their first experiences of soothing with bedtime. Mastering this skill will provide children with practice to soothe in other areas of life.
Coaching kids through challenging situations is one way to help kids learn how to soothe. As they begin to master the skill, they will need less support. For example, imagine your child comes home from school with a very challenging math assignment. They are extremely upset and say, “I hate math. I’m not going to school tomorrow.”
As a parent, you have many choices to help support your child. A way that supports self-regulation might sound like this: “That sounds so challenging. I remember having hard math assignments at school too. Do you want to go for a walk before doing your math assignment?” In this example, the parent validates and empathizes with the child’s assignment and offers a way to help self-soothe. Through this modeling, the child will, in time, learn to self-soothe without much support.
Secure
The last ‘S’ builds upon the first three and is labeled as secure. Siegel and Bryson state,
“ When a child knows she can count on you, time and again, to show up — when you reliably provide safety, focus on seeing her, and soothe her in times of need, she will trust in a feeling of secure attachment. And thrive!”
The basis of a secure relationship provides kids with certainty that they are safe, that someone sees them, and that someone will help them soothe.
A secure relationship is built upon a secure attachment. To learn more about what a secure attachment is and how to build a secure attachment read my article entitled, Nurturing a Secure Attachment with Your Child.
The 4 S’s outlined by Siegel and Bryson provide an excellent framework for raising happy and healthy kids. However, there will be times, as parents, that we do not do the right thing. Maybe we will not truly see our child or maybe we’ll do something to affect the security of the relationship. This is okay. We are human and will make mistakes. When mistakes happen, repair the relationship. This will make the relationship even stronger. And remember, the goal is never to be a perfect parent, but a present one.
